HUMOR: Patrick Rates the Zodiacs from Least to Most Likable

By: Isla Patrick

Local News Editor

To preface this definitive ranking, I must admit that I am a Virgo. Naturally, that means I’m always right about literally everything. There is no arguing with my list, because I am simply the cleverest person to ever walk this earth. If you get offended, you’re probably a Cancer, and that’s not my problem.


  1. Aquarius: (Harry Styles, if you’re reading this, I hope you know this doesn’t apply to you.) Congrats! I hate you most of all! You embody every horrible and loathsome quality in this universe. I feel no remorse for placing you first in this list — you usually believe you deserve first place in everything anyway. You’re self-centered, overly confident, and above all, stinky. 


  1. Leo: You have amazing hair. However, I hate you. Self-confidence is good and all, but you take it one step too far. Honestly, you probably rank here because I know you’re better than me, but I’m tired of seeing you confirm it. Leave some of the spotlight for the rest of us. (P.S. let me know what shampoo you’re using.)


  1. Cancer: Your emotional intelligence can be so overwhelming sometimes. When was the last time you went a day without crying? Also, stop blaming your tears on others. Learn to accept your own shortcomings, then, maybe, I’ll consider bumping you down to number 9.


  1. Scorpio: Like your fellow water sign Cancer, you’re far too emotional. But in your case, I hate that you don’t show it. You want everybody to believe you’re a tough guy, huh? Surprise! Literally nobody thinks that. Stop trying to intimidate everyone. It’s embarrassing.


  1. Aries: You’re the most fiery of the fire signs. Ew. It seems like you spend all of your time in complete, unbridled rage. Take a few deep breaths. You’re making me nervous.


  1. Gemini: My relationship with you is complicated. Do you hate me? Love me? Are you a lovely person or just an absolute pest of a human? I can’t make up my mind, so I’ve awarded you near middle ground at number 7. You’re welcome.


  1. Taurus: You’re so cool, but you let the coolness factor get to your head. Keep in mind: you’re only one place better than Gemini. Humble yourself.


  1. Virgo: Out of all the signs, you’ve got your life together. But you’re too hard on yourself. Your negative energy infects everybody around you. Please, I’m begging, take a break once in a while. Also, try spending more time with a Sagittarius or a Pisces.


  1. Libra: You’re definitely one of the most personable people ever, even if you don’t realize it. Unlike Taurus and Leo, I hate how humble you are. Start bragging about yourself. You’re as close to perfect as it gets. 


  1. Sagittarius: You’re the exact opposite of your fellow fire sign, Aries. You are so chill. Without even trying, you manage to be the funniest person in the room. Never change.


  1. Pisces: Your head is in the clouds, but I don’t think that’s a bad thing. You’re insanely creative and imaginative. Virgo could learn a thing or two from you.


  1. Capricorn – The least common zodiac sign, but unarguably the best. Capricorns, as the ultimate earth sign, are the kindest, most nurturing people on the planet. In fact, I think it might be impossible for a Capricorn to be mean. I love you so much.

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