by Wilma Wei

Humor Editor

Costco is truly a beautiful thing; everything is in bulk – just like your mom (sorry) – free samples reign, and their food court slaps. Yeah, Trader Joe’s is nice and all, but Costco is really something else; it’s where everyone can unleash their inner wild side, evidently seen through the coronavirus hysteria where all water jugs and frozen food aisles are empty and bare. I have never seen a greater level of animosity in a grocery store than when I saw two Los Gatos moms fighting over the last non GMO, gluten-free, pesticide-free, dairy-free, sugar-free, low-calorie almond-milk ice cream.  

Don’t even get me started on the free samples. After all my failed relationships, maybe I’ll find my one true love at the free samples stand. The real question is though, is the true love of my life, the sample? Or the man handing them out? What even is life? 

Costco’s like an exclusive club where you have to pay for special membership just to access their goods. If you don’t have your membership card – godspeed – the Costco staff will come at you faster than my teachers came for my second-semester freedom. One time I forgot my card and ended up walking away more damaged than I already was – and that’s really saying something. 

Costco is like a black hole sometimes – you’ll walk in needing a bulk box of tissues, and you’ll walk out with a useless heated fan, a sack of 50 Kirkland potatoes (because why not), and a bank account more destroyed than my brain after the Calculus BC series test. 

I’ll bet ten bucks I can hide out in Costco and survive without any of their staff noticing for five years minimum. It’s got everything you need in there – their own bakery, an endless supply of food, beds and couches for sleeping, and there’s nothing more I need. For those who ask, will I really need a massive bulk-sized bag of 200 brussel sprouts? Or 30 croissants? The answer is yes to all of those because hey, you never know when you’ll need these. 

Not to mention, the entire parking lot is a nightmare. My prius has probably had more than a few close calls with other aggressive Costco drivers, and when I’m bringing my groceries back, it’s always a common tradition to be almost run over by a Costco mom driving her massive SUV through the parking lot.