by: Siyona Singhal
Humor Editor

Recently, I experienced something that I would not wish on my worst enemy. Now, before I dive in, you must understand that I thought this event was going to be funny and something I would look back on and laugh about. In a few months, I would joke around with my friends: “Hey, remember when we did that crazy thing? That was hilarious.” Little did I know that volunteering to become a mascot was the worst decision I ever made.

Okay, that’s dramatic; Daves Avenue Elementary needed a volunteer to wear the Cool Cat costume at their auction. Being the student with an embarrassingly free schedule who will do anything for a laugh, I said I would do it. I was prepared to go solo, but at the last minute, I decided to drag two friends (who have asked to remain unnamed) to come with me as well.

Now, the first red flag was when I stepped out of my dad’s car and saw people wearing full ballgowns and waiters carrying little food on trays; I knew I was cooked. My two backstabbing friends were running late, so I had to put the costume on myself. When I came face to face with that Cool Cat mask, I started questioning everything. On top of that, the stupid bowtie that I was supposed to put on kept breaking, and I had to ask for help. When I put the mask on, I immediately noticed some issues. First of all, there were some serious vision problems. 70% of my eyeline was blocked by the cat’s gigantic nose, so to walk around, I needed someone to hold my hand. Also, breathing was not an option. The costume was so stuffy, I was taken straight back to peak COVID. Yet, I persisted and was guided to my post in front of the door. The photographer’s assistant subtly forced couples to pose with me, and I pretended to have a good time. When I had enough, I forced my friends (who had finally arrived) to walk me back to the locker room. The moment I was through the door, I threw the mask off and collapsed on the floor.

After spraying an inhumane amount of Dove deodorant into the mask, it was time for Friend One to wear the costume. Friend Two and I walked her out and waited on the side, as a form of moral support for her. That was until someone came up to us and told us to go back to where we came from. Okay, not that, she told us to go back inside the locker room because she wanted to keep the formal tone of the event. So Friend Two and I walked back in and abandoned Friend One. After, we fetched my friend and brought her back to collapse. Friend Two took her shift, and then we were done. The cherry on top was that we were promised free dinner, but because our shift ended earlier than dinner arrived, we left hungry. I swear on the car ride back, I almost cried.

Overall, I’m sure this experience made me a better person in some way, but for now, I’m just having nightmares about the amount of sweat that my body excreted.