By: Sam Gruetter

Sports Editor

As someone who spends nights stalking unsuspecting victims’ Spotify profiles and ridiculing every miniscule detail until I develop a ruling on their coolness factor, I would consider myself a connoisseur when it comes to the judgment of Spotify music profiles. In the thorough and well-researched list below, I will outline every single red flag that made me want to delete all apps and throw my phone off the 29,032-foot cliff that is Mount Everest. (read at your own risk)

• All of your music is from TikTok

Don’t get me wrong, I am a sucker for the occasional TikTok song that is more often than not accompanied with a velocity edit. However, music is all about expanding your horizons and curating a personal taste, which is the exact opposite of TikTok audios. 

• You have unusual playlist names

Let me say this one time and one time only – it is painstakingly apparent when you get your playlist name from a “vibey playlist names” TikTok video. If you are like me, you have a playlist for every mood and setting. I suggest a simple and sophisticated title and if you are feeling bold, I would suggest throwing in a few emojis, but that is only for the daredevils. 

• You are a lana del ray wannabe

Ever since the word “coquette” has surfaced on social media, the masses have been attempting to adopt the Lana Del Ray aesthetic. When I happen upon a profile that is full of music nobody with a pulse would ever enjoy, this is most likely the culprit. Please set yourself free from the shackles that is coquetness and go listen to a Justin Bieber song. 

• Your profile is private

This one gets my blood positively boiling. Whenever I am trying to find somebody on Spotify and am assaulted with a black screen and the text screaming at me that it is private, I am immediately enraged. Having a private Spotify profile is the equivalent of leaving out a bowl of candy on Halloween saying “take whatever.” Needless to say, this one is not the move. 

• You only have one playlist

Do you hate yourself?

• You have odd playlist covers

This one goes hand in hand with the abominable treachery that is having a weird playlist name. If your playlist cover does not reek of indie alternative straight from Pinterest coolness you are failing at life. A cool playlist cover positively makes or breaks your playlist; it sets the tone and expectations for us dedicated stalkers. Tread carefully with this one, as the wrong move could be your last. 

• You don’t listen to music 

This one explains itself. Do you enjoy partaking in daily life and listening to the sound of your own breathing (even worse if you have asthma). I can guarantee you this is the quickest way to secure yourself a first class ticket to the insane asylum.