Evans Reveals Student Confessions

By: Alex Evans


Students of LGHS, the confessions are in! Cast away your copy of Reality Check and tune in now to my new segment detailing anonymous confessions of the student body. 

Senior boy (17): “After viewing Pixar’s latest hit, Puss in Boots: The Last Wish, I rewatched the movie a grand total of 23 times, totaling to 32.2 hours of the pirate cat. At this point, I do not even have to watch with captions, I can recite the movie word for word as it plays. Anytime you see me walking around with an Airpod in, I am not listening to anything you may suspect — “All Girls Are The Same” by Juice Wrld — but actually the entire movie, over and over. I will continue to suffer in silence.” 

Senior girl (18): “Every even day I suffer, as I step into the hell that is the Honors Economics classroom. My teacher does not understand my methods, nobody ever does. I entered the stock market in the fifth grade, trading on the New York Stock Exchange. Jordan Belford is my dad. I buy high, wait for it to crash, sell it low. I evade debt through participation in an underground exotic Pepsi exchange; the system works out for everyone because I get the adrenaline rush of this practice, while appearing as an average teenager, driving my humble Acura MDX.”

Junior girl (16): “I am a junior, but I fear I am walking among fourth graders. Just this afternoon I was strolling through the Language Building, pondering the scholarly things I am off to, like writing my ICE on ‘The Vanishing Half’ or something of the sort. Instead, directly in front of me, I see someone’s Roblox Natural Disasters game. As I moved from side to side attempting to pass the hallway hog, they perfectly mirrored my steps. Infuriated, I accepted defeat and remained behind the little legend for the remainder of the hall until they turned into a Calculus BC class. Soon after I learned they were actually meant to be class of 2030, but they’re an idiot savant in math and attend Calc at the high school. First this was just a peculiar iPad escapade, but now I just feel bad about myself.”

Senior boy (18): “I love my girlfriend and her minivan, but there’s only one thing I like more. The king, the queen, their magical dance across the checkered ball room. By this I mean the glorious and beautiful game of chess. Remember The Queen’s Gambit? Me too. I binge watched that show and I’ve never felt more seen. I sit in class and can only focus on the ceiling, the checkered pattern mimicking the chess board. This may not sound too crazy, as someone who loves chess. The twist is that I am actually dumb. I pretend my parents are strict about staying home and watching chess competitions, but I am not going to college because I am about to eclipse my current status into grandmaster status. I haven’t shared this with anyone as I am soon stealing my girlfriend’s minivan and driving to London to compete. Wish me luck!”

Between Puss and Boots, the Pepsi day trader, Roblox legend, and minivan-man, I can’t tell which is worse. If you have any leads or a confession, follow up with me.

Categories: Humor

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