Opinion Editor
When I first learned that the global ice cream cake market was valued at 2.8 billion dollars in 2024, you could say I was surprised. Reliving a traumatic birthday party experience from eight years ago in the midst of my biology notes was NOT on my 2025 bingo card.
My mind flashed back to my best friend’s eighth birthday party. I was seven years old, innocent, sugar-hungry, and suddenly face-to-face with a neon blue ice cake nearly as tall as I. The anticipation built and built until I took my first bite — and I spat it out immediately.
The other seven-year-olds began whispering amongst themselves as I dumped my plate abruptly into the Tiana-themed trash can. Since then, I have been a devout ice cream cake hater, and similar to Taylor Swift haters, I take pride in the fact my radical opinions make me better than everyone else. However, as you will see, my opinions are actually justified. Brace yourself, because after this, you’ll never trust a glow-in-the-dark dessert again.
First off, let’s talk about how offensive the concept of ice cream cake is to desserts in general. I consider ice cream cake enjoyers to be the ultimate couch potatoes: a mount of nothingness wasting away in front of a droning TV. They can’t even be bothered to appreciate the beauty of soft, moist cake and creamy, cold ice cream separately. These criminals are so determined to commit a dessert felony that they convince themselves it’s actually enjoyable. It becomes a soggy milkshake after 30 minutes anyway; “enjoyers” sacrifice the uniqueness of each dessert just to contemplate a bowl of soggy milkshake-soup if their cake is left outside for more than five minutes.
Not only that, but the concept of ice cream cake takes away from the concept of birthday parties as a whole. Ice cream is for casual, low-level events like sleepovers and awkward ice cream socials; cake is dignified, sophisticated, and revered. Combining them into one dessert removes the purpose of both; the fun and sophistication of both desserts disappear. Each one has its place in society, so let’s not try to force them into a setting where they don’t thrive.
And for your information, no, I will NOT be an almond mom when I grow up; I am a hater of those well. Don’t get me wrong – feeding your kids nuclear waste is usually okay, but I draw the line when you take two perfectly good desserts and smash them into something with the worst qualities of both.
Now, typically, I would end with a compassionate thought for the people who disagree, but I firmly believe that this article can prevent the crime against humanity that is ice cream cake. So please, heed my warning and do not consume this failed mosaic of desserts. For it will bring short-term joy, but with a cost: the knowledge that you are actively contributing to the downfall of dessert society.
Categories: Humor