By: Ashir Rao

Humor Editor

I haven’t gotten that much useful college essay advice. So far, I’ve been told to “stand out,” show “intellectual curiosity,” showcase my “values,” and be my “authentic self”. Could you, the faithful readers of El Gato, read my Common App personal statement, and maybe even give me some feedback? Am I standing out enough? Am I enough? Let’s see. 

Sweat dripped down my face. My head spun and my hands twitched. My legs shook. My teeth chattered. With my heart pounding and skin tingling, I was about to get the maximum score in the Google snake game. 

You see, I am a man who pushes himself to the limit. And come to think of it, life is just like the snake game. Just like how I use Google to access the snake game, I also use Google for my homework. 

Homework is also akin to life. Most people have a home. Most people work. But unlike most people, I’m an incredibly hard worker. Or to use college admissions lingo, “driven”. Not only am I driven, I also value thinking outside of the box. 

Ok, I’m not very good at thinking outside of the box, but I’m quite skilled at valuing thinking outside of the box. And that’s a good thing. If everyone at your esteemed institution is thinking out of the box, don’t you also need people like me to value their thinking? 

Now, all the essay examples I read online talked about their childhood, so I will too. A wise meme historian once said: “I was born at a very young age.” That’s how my story begins as well. 

My childhood fostered within me an endless spring, a river, a lake, a bottomless well, an ocean of intellectual curiosity. I am really, really intellectually curious. The first book I ever read was Curious George. It imbibed me with the burning desire to be curious about everything. I’m also really intellectual. The second book I ever read was Oliver Twist. My favorite part of the book is when Charles Dickens makes a cameo appearance and shouts “It’s twistin’ time!” and Oliver Twist twists all over the place. 

But you know what? Deep down, I’m more than just a snake game champion, or an intellectually curious Oliver Twist enjoyer. 

I am a Canadian. I will bring maple syrup and ketchup flavored chips to your campus. And smuggle Tim Hortons donuts from across the border. When I give my peers these gifts, it will come with 15 unnecessary apologies. You don’t even have to admit me to any of your programs! I’ll make you a new department: the School of Canadian Studies. Maybe you can put my name in the title somewhere, then all my future descendants can be accepted to your institution as well.

Being this vulnerable is difficult, but this is the authentic me. When you admit me, you will be admitting a Canadian, and I’m proud of that. 

Please let me in.

(Give me feedback at schoolofcanadianstudies@stanford.edu!)