Rao Details Replacement Death Penalty

By: Ashir Rao

Public Relations Manager

In a controversial ruling, the Supreme Court of Ohio banned the use of the death penalty in the state. To placate conservatives in this crucial swing state with a whopping 18 electoral votes (contrary to popular belief, Ohio is home to millions of American citizens), Ohioan law now provides an alternative to the death penalty — the SAT. The ruling horrified Ohioan liberals, with a spokesperson for the Ohioans Against Death Penalty Group for Peace saying, “This is outrageous! It’s cruel! It’s inhumane! At this point, I may as well support the death penalty!” Within a few hours, she renamed her group to “Ohioans For Death Penalty Group for Peace.” 

The College Board initially distanced themselves from the ruling, claiming that their product’s effects on adults are unknown. Brave Ohioan journalists leaked early attempts of using the SAT on death row inmates. Blurry footage reveals a figure appearing to be a prisoner, breaking down while hunched over a chair. A pencil lies broken on the table, and a timer reads 00:01:42. Soon after, a man dressed in all black covers the camera with his hand, and the video cuts to black. Expert video analysts found that the prisoner did not make it past the Reading section. Despite this, the College Board now seems unsure of its former position, with insider reports claiming that they are in the process of developing the PSAT, or the Prisoner SAT. 

Prominent conservative lawmaker and Freedom Caucus member Dudley Yeller Sr. was initially frustrated by the court’s first ruling, which he described as “a violent takeover of liberal snowflakes and woke coastal elites.” His feelings were mixed over the following SAT announcement. On one hand, he welcomes efforts to deter “violent crime and bad things.” On the other hand, he wonders whether this is another attempt by the coastal elite to “eradicate American values and traditions, such as the gallows.” 

Activists took to Instagram on the afternoon of the ruling, posting pictures of SAT passages about asteroids with the caption, “DOES HUMANITY MEAN NOTHING TO YOU? #ENDSATSTAT!” Meta rushed to delete the posts as millions of American teenagers using the app to escape the reality of college admissions were rudely reminded of, well, college admissions.

It remains unclear how other states will react or change their policies in response to the ruling. Reports say that Texas is considering a similar policy, but in accordance with the Texas Constitution, with twice as many problems, because everything is bigger in Texas.

Categories: Humor

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