Fugit Ranks Holiday Season Foods

By: Owen Fugit

Media Production Editor

The holidays are the best time of year for all food lovers like myself. So why not create a tier list/guide for holiday foods? Well, look no further. Here is the definitive, completely factual, 100 percent accurate Owen Fugit holiday food tier list.

Let’s start strong with pumpkin pie! Pumpkin pie is one of those strange but delicious food items, like Brussels sprouts (which are above s-tier when cooked right), that can fit into any meal. People often claim that pumpkin pie is only good with Cool Whip. This is undoubtedly incorrect! Pumpkin pie and its exotic-ish flavor, combined with the nostalgia it brings, place it firmly on this list’s S-tier.

Next up is turkey. Let’s be honest, turkey is one of the most mediocre foods in existence. While cooked turkey may look delicious, the hidden mystery meat inside will leave you questioning why the Pilgrims didn’t bring more chickens. Turkey meat is usually tough and chewy when compared to other alternatives, and because they hide the turkey meat behind the shiny skin, Butterball will find a home in the C-tier of this list.

The next holiday food you can find at Christmas or Thanksgiving is gravy! While I’m not a big gravy enjoyer myself, I can understand why people like it. Imagine all the bits and pieces of dinner in a single liquid that you can drizzle over the top of any and all food items! Plus, it even comes in its own boat! Gravy deserves a spot in the A-tier of this list.

The next two food items are similar, which is why they are tied for the same spot! Cornbread and stuffing are both tasty, bread-based substances that you can use to fill any and all the empty space on your plate. Cornbread and stuffing are pretty decent holiday dishes that are sure to be empty by the time you go for seconds. They are solidly B-tier items.

Cranberry sauce would seem weird on any foods separate from holiday meals, but cranberry sauce should be normalized! This delicacy is so good, it even makes turkey look appealing! From the sweet and sour flavor to the fact that it feels healthier than it probably is, cranberry sauce slides right into A-tier.

The last holiday food item on the chopping block today is green bean casserole! GBC is truly an abomination and does not deserve to exist. This is not an opinion ––– this is an indisputable fact. GBC is the wrong combination of the wrong ingredients and leaves an impression in all the wrong ways. Like the plague, green bean casserole needs to stay in my AP Euro textbook and out of my body. GBC is below F-tier. Please stop supporting GBC! 

Honorable mention for ham! Ham is a great alternative to turkey, and you can use it for sandwiches after the holidays, too! S-tier.

Categories: Humor

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