By: Nadia Liu
Public Relations Manager
The completely attainable, comprehensive, ultimate gift guide by Nadia Liu:
- For the music lovers: This holiday season, pull a Scooter Braun and buy the master rights and assets to your daughter’s favorite artist! An added future bonus is a potential revenge album a-la-Reputation and possible rerecordings, so your daughter gets even more music! It’s a double win.
- For the art lovers: Does your little cousin love art? (And do you pretend to think they’re talented?) Consider a deluxe set containing tomato soup, glue, and an invaluable work of art to help them simulate being a part of the climate-activism-slash-art-vandalism campaign!
- For the sports fan: Make your dad’s fantasy sports dreams come true by gifting him a sports franchise this Christmas! Basketball fan? Gift him the Warriors! Football fan? Give him the experience of running the multi-billion dollar 49ers team!
- For the movie lovers: Give your theater-kid son the gift of a lifetime by becoming an executive in the movie industry! As a nepotism baby, he will now have double the opportunities to achieve his dreams of walking down the red carpet, making it a gift to remember.
- For the soon-to-be students: Is your niece or nephew starting Kindergarten next year? This is the perfect opportunity to gift them a headstart on their educational journey by bribing their way into a prestigious, feeder private school! When they’re inevitably accepted into an Ivy League college, you can rest easy knowing it was your Christmas gift that made it happen.
- For the tech bros: If your fiancé is newly hired at a Silicon Valley tech company, help them fit in by giving them the essential tech bro starter pack: a gray Patagonia vest, Tesla, Apple watch, and stock in a failing cryptocurrency exchange.
- For your boss: Just in time for the new year, give your boss the wonderful gift of your two week notice! Now they no longer have to attend your meetings-that-could’ve-been-an-email or make painful small talk in the elevator. Lucky them!
- For the athletes: Help your brother make his school wrestling team by hiring Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson as his personal trainer. Seeing as he starred in the three worst movies of the year, I really don’t think he has anything better to do anyway.
- For the gardeners: Their lawn isn’t going to mow itself! The obvious gift choice for the backyard green thumbers is the John Deere ZTrak Z994R Diesel Zero Turn Mower that features a 72” 7-Iron II Pro mower deck. It even comes in standard, deluxe, and suspension models, all at the affordable price of 19,925 dollars!
Categories: Humor, Web Exclusive
Leave a Reply