Rao Reteaches History

By: Ashir Rao

Public Relations Manager

It’s a well known fact that much of what you learn in history class is a lie. Despite several attempts to tell the true history of the United States and other countries, a misleading curriculum continues to brainwash students. This El Gato staff member is proud to present a short list of some things your history classes conveniently overlook. 

The Founding Fathers wanted you to have a grenade launcher: When writing the second amendment, the Founding Fathers did indeed support the use of grenade launchers by private citizens. Though the technology of their time constrained them, there is absolutely nothing they would have liked more than to launch a grenade at a British tax collector. Evidence of this is found in Hamilton’s famous lines: “I am not throwing away my shot.” He was referring to a grenade launcher. 

William Shakespeare knew exactly what he was doing: In Shakespeare’s time, people didn’t actually speak so confusingly. Billy knew exactly what he was doing when he penned some of the most unreadable works on the high school reading list. Knowing that American intellectuals could never resist the creative insults of Romeo and Juliet, he made sure to write the whole story in Icelandic. He then put the whole text into Google Translate (or whatever they used at the time) and passed off whatever came out as “literary genius.” It’s not like anyone at that time was literate enough to question it.

Karl Marx was joking: Marx was quite the humorist! With his enormous, detachable beard, he was always in costume. He published the Communist Manifesto as a prank. Unfortunately for him, no one had invented humor yet in the 1800s, and people took it literally. He escaped to join a circus troupe and was never seen again. 

No one wanted to write the Declaration of Independence: Essentially, Thomas Jefferson lost a massive rock-paper-scissors tournament. Writing the Declaration is a lot of work, you know? Reluctantly, Jefferson wrote a geeky, philosophical break-up message to the King of England. Though it seemed a little dramatic, the other Founders didn’t really question it. 

Abraham Lincoln was a champion wrestler: Standing at an incredible height with even more incredible cheekbones, Lincoln was actually a champion wrestler. Before becoming president, he fought in 300 matches, only losing one. Due to his incredible record and awesome hat, Lincoln was inducted into the National Wrestling Hall of Fame. I understand that this is supposed to be a work of satire, but it’s actually true. Don’t believe me? Search it up. Please.

Categories: Humor

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