By: Jordan Chan
BLACK FRIDAY IS ON! SAVE UP TO 20 PERCENT ON YOUR SENIOR PORTRAITS. ALL TREATS, NO TRICKS! Free shipping on Jordan’s portraits today! LAST CHANCE to take advantage of this deal! Except for the fact that we are going to send you another email two days later titled “THIS WAS TOO SWEET! SALE extended.” National Have a Bad Day Day? (No, really. It’s on Nov. 19.) That sounds like another perfect day to bring you another MONUMENTAL, ENORMOUS, WONDERFUL, AWE-INSPIRING deal to convince you to buy those cursed photos.
Every day, I ask myself: when will it stop? When will Now and Forever Studios finally leave me and my inbox alone? They’re in our walls. They’re watching us as we sleep. The employees themselves never rest — I’m convinced some corporate monster forces them to come up with a torrent of new spam emails to send LGHS seniors at a breakneck pace on the daily.
I don’t even want my senior portraits! At no fault of the photographer, they are abhorrent. If I have to see one of them in another one of those stupid Now and Forever Studios emails, I might actually lose it. In fact, if you heard some screaming in the quad a couple weeks ago, it was probably that day I received five separate emails about how I needed to “SNATCH THOSE PORTRAITS NOW” or something along those lines.
You might be thinking, “Jordan, why don’t you simply hit the unsubscribe button? Block them! Send their emails to your spam!” At first, it was an issue of practicality. After all, I had to select a portrait for the yearbook and submit some required information at some point. But now? Now, the situation is much more serious. I can already see it. I block Now and Forever studios and the next day, you’ll see news about the death of a high school student surrounded by mysterious circumstances. They’ll call it a “tragic accident.” Now and Forever Studios will show up to mourn. Their employees will send my friends and family emails with their condolences along with an AMAZING DISCOUNT DEAL on my memorial portraiture to set by my coffin.
Thus, I’ve skipped to the last stage of grief: acceptance. I leave the emails in my main inbox to protect the people I love. And to protect myself from having a photo I don’t like at my funeral. Sometimes, you just have to choose the lesser evil.
Now and Forever Studios, if you’re reading this, please have mercy on my poor soul. I haven’t blocked you! I read all of your emails; I swear. You have my fear. But you’ve also got my respect. And if you’re one of those poor souls drafting this stuff, blink twice if you need help. Or, idk, whatever the email equivalent of that would be.