Gruetter Identifies Lizards

By: Kate Gruetter

National/World Editor

By now, we’ve all seen the Instagram memes and posts accusing our dear Mark Zuckerberg of secretly being a lizard. Despite the CEO’s reaction stating, “I am not a lizard,” the Internet continues to claim he is not only a liar, but also a reptile. However, I think it’s time we broaden our horizons ––  to look past the obvious and dive deep to find the true reptiles undercover in our society.

Justin Bieber. He is 100% a reptile. If you’re not convinced of this, just ask the Australian fans who reported they saw Bieber turn into a giant lizard. That’s right. According to a nearby skateboarder, he was standing next to his bodyguard, and he just kept transforming into a massive reptile. Apparently, Bieber in cold-blooded form sports gross colored scales and black eyes. If this doesn’t convince you, I don’t know what will. 

George Clooney. You cannot convince me the man is not a reptile. His eyes give the illusion he’s thinking about nothing at all times, and yet also everything. The one other place I see this look? Reptiles. Specifically lizards. 

Travis Barker. I’m convinced that, statistically, one of the Kardashians is not human, which led me to deem Travis Barker a reptile. Now, although he’s not biologically a Kardashian, he is by marriage, which is close enough for me. I don’t believe Barker is exactly a lizard, but he has to be some sort of cold-blooded creature. He kind of reminds me of what turtles look like when they stick their necks all the way out of their shells. I guess dear Travis is a naked turtle. 

Katy Perry. I didn’t originally think Katy Perry was reptilian, but two days ago I watched a video that changed my perspective. The video portrayed Perry suffering from an eye glitch. You heard me right. While on stage, the singer struggled to open one of her eyes. Her lids appeared to have simply stuck together. It was incredible. Never have I seen something so lizardlike. 

Ed Sheeran. I know this guy gets a lot of hate, but come on. The man’s eyes are simply too far apart and beady for him not to be considered a reptile. Plus, I doubt a human could make such good music. Seriously, something supernatural has to be happening. And the lizard within most likely caused that supernatural activity. 

James Charles. He gives salamander energy. I kind of hope this one speaks for itself.

 (Sources: Teen Vogue) 

Categories: Humor

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