By: Sidney Bricker
Media Production Editor
For a Los Gatos High student there is no better opportunity to experience all the miseries of driving, condensed into their purest form, than in our very own Senior Lot. Most people hate our traffic. This is because they have victim complexes and no imaginations. If you are a member of this crotchety majority, I think it’s safe to assume all you need is some honorable saint of a person to hold your hand and show you the many jollifications in which you too can take part. This person’s help could anoint you as a member of the virtuous few who can recognize and appreciate the seventh heaven that is high school traffic congestion. Allow me to be that person for you.
Method one is easy enough to execute. First, find your target. You must be in the line of cars that crawls past the main parking area where automobiles hope to enter the procession. Act as if you plan to let one of those hopefuls in. Let them pull most of the way into the main line, and then, at the very last second, hit them as hard as you can with your car. T-boning other cars is one of the most commendable ways by which you may make senior lot traffic fun and enjoyable. Please note: do not do this in front of the place where Mr. Cook sits and watches. He gets angry.
Method number two will soak up any remaining drops of boredom like a sponge soaks up car-crash-related blood. Step one is to put your car in neutral. Step two is to get out of the car and push it all the way home. This activity will keep you busy and allow you to show off your huge muscles to everyone else you are in traffic with. Rest assured, they are in their cars whispering things like “Wow, that person is pushing their car, what a go-getter,” and “I wish I was cool enough to put my car in neutral, get out, and push it all the way home. I’m so useless and uncool.”
If this, the third and final method that I will graciously offer you today, leaves you still with a glum, defeatist outlook on senior lot traffic, then you are likely suffering from a deeper psychological problem. This method requires cement. Step one is to get out of your car, add another layer of cement to the speedbumps, put the remaining cement in the trash, and get back into your car. There is no step two. I do this all the time, and it is the reason that the speed bumps will eviscerate the soft underbelly of your beloved automobile at speeds as low as eight miles per hour.