Humor

The Many Characters Around the Thanksgiving Table

By Maya Gomez

Sports Editor

Ah yes, it’s finally November: the most boring month of the year. If you say that your favorite month is November, please leave. I am serious, you need to leave right now. Simply a passing between Halloween and Christmas, November has nearly nothing to look forward to. However, there is one day a year when I can sit around a table and confidently say that I am the most stable one there, and that is Thanksgiving. Now, every family is different, filled with individuals with a range of personalities. Yet, every single one of us falls into a generalized category within the family tree on Thanksgiving Day. 

Wine Aunt

The beloved Wine Aunt is undoubtedly one of the most fun people to be around. They show up fashionably late with a variety of pies in hand. The Wine Aunt knows all of the family drama and will not cease to gossip with all of their younger cousins. They awkwardly avoid their family during dinner by taking a sip of wine every time their younger sibling starts talking and excusing themselves for a “work call” to secretly grab the first slice of pie. They will insist on driving home, but their sibling will eventually have to drive them to a downtown motel.

Fortnite Kid

If this is your kid, please, for the love of God, send them to the bathroom to wash their hands. I do not care how difficult they are, we all know for a fact that there are hours worth of germs and food crumbs built up on that child’s fingers. The Fortnite Kid, despite being a raging extrovert, will avoid all family members like the black plague. They think that they are the coolest kid on the fifth grade playground but are, in fact, slowly killing the underpaid lunch monitors. On Thanksgiving Day, the Fortnite kid miraculously goes missing, only to be found hours later feeding the dog ham scraps in the basement. 

Among Us Teenager

Formerly the Fortnite Kid, the now older and supposedly more mature Among Us teen has developed severe social anxiety, and is said to still be feeding the dog in the basement.

The Dog

Secretly an undercover agent, the dog is undoubtedly judging everyone and questioning the Among Us Teen/Fortnite Kids’ sanities.

Stressed Mom

RUN! GET AWAY NOW! The Stressed Mother is like a volcano about to explode; if you say the wrong thing, she will verbally assault you. She spent the past 12 hours carefully planning the entire day to the minute. Her turkey is perfectly cooked and the tablecloth is hand picked from Target’s three-dollar section. The second her mom began critiquing her centerpieces, she found herself conveniently pouring a mystery liquid from a flask into her glass of apple cider. 

Facetime Grandparents

We all have that one grandparent who is just a little too old, suspiciously old even. Not in an insulting way, I promise, but how does Meemaw recall so many secrets regarding Bill Clinton’s affair with Monica Lewinsky? They know a little bit too much information about politicians and will not let you forget that a celebrity asked them on a date once in their twenties. They pretend to put all of their attention to the family, but are secretly watching Dirty Dancing on the television behind the cellphone. 

Categories: Humor, Lifestyle, Web Exclusive

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