by Lucy Holland
After the events that occurred on Jan. 6, photos of Trump supporters who stormed the Capitol have gone viral, and the first thing that I noticed was their… questionable fashion choices. So, I did what any member of Generation Z would do: I decided to rate a bunch of white people!
Okay, I’m starting off strong with the lady who literally haunts me at night. She is so indescribably terrifying for literally no reason. The purple jacket with the purple crew neck? Sorry Meemaw, not pulling it off. Also, I don’t think she was wearing shoes, I can’t find a single picture of her feet. Her lack of eyebrows and beady eyes shining through the low-key kind of trendy thin-rimmed glasses really stare directly into your soul. I’d give her bonus points for the glasses, but the pulled-down mask sends her off the deep end.
Beanie Dude: solid 9/10
Beanie Dude seems like a snowboard bum I’d meet at a gas station in Santa Cruz, except you know… maybe he’s not from Santa Cruz… all things considered. The Trump beanie with the matching scarf is kinda drippy not gonna lie. He just looks way too happy to be stealing Nancy Pelosi’s speaker podium. I also kind of respect the effort to sell it on eBay, he probably already knew he was going to end up in prison somehow and thought, “Hey! Let’s go out with a bang!” He loses the last point because, once again, the dude doesn’t have a mask.
The guy with the horns: 2/10
The only reason he even gets two points is because of his confidence. The organic food in prison thing kind of surprised me though, not gonna lie. Like, the guy believes in QAnon and he’s worried about prison food? Also, I’ve got to knock some points off for all the… you know… cultural appropriation. White boy tribal tattoos aren’t cute, babe.
Buddy with his feet on Pelosi’s desk: ew/10
No thanks lol. You’re gross, dude. Also, like, pick a better threat. “We will not back down” is so vanilla.
The FaceTime home dog in Pence’s seat: yeehaw/10
HE’S WEARING A MASK. I REPEAT. HE. IS. WEARING. A MASK. Immediate bonus points. Also, I respect the flare. If you made it all the way inside the building, you’re going to jail bud – why not sit in Pence’s chair! He lost a couple of points for the Trump flag as a cape. Edna Mode would be disappointed; we all know how dangerous capes are.
Elizabeth from Knoxville: onion/10
I’m genuinely so confused about why she even thought to bring an onion in a towel to the storming of the Capitol. She called it a revolution… so like… did she think she was gonna get hungry or what?
Photo courtesy ABC27
Graphics B. Gibson