HUMOR: Stop Watching Criminal Minds

by Brynn Gibson

Graphics Designer

It is three o’clock in the morning. You just finished watching your seventh consecutive episode of Criminal Minds. What a show! You found that the last episode really resonated with you; some girl got eaten alive by rats. The unsub? Just the usual: a white male in his mid-twenties who, as a narcissistic sadist and megalomaniac, couldn’t help involving himself in the investigation and tormenting the members of the BAU. Charming! Luckily, at the last minute, Matthew Grey Gubler swooped in to save the day before a second girl was tortured to death. All is well.

You close the computer and settle into bed. Just as everything seems to be at peace, you close your eyes. About thirty seconds pass.

There is a noise.

Your eyes snap open. Someone is here to kill you. Your time has come. All hopes of a peaceful sleep are put on hiatus. Survival mode=equipped. Quickly, you try to locate the nearest weapon: whatever will do the most damage. Your Pillow Pet? iPhone charger? LED light remote?! You settle on a DIY Yerba Mate candle and prepare for the worst. Prepped and ready to counter-attack, you shelter in your covers, burrito-style, with your face hidden to avoid detection.

You wonder if the kidnapper is cute. It is a little romantic that they would choose you, out of all people, to abduct. Don’t you think? At this point, you have already accepted death and have moved on to guessing what type of murder approach the intruder will take. If they have any class, you know they will most definitely choose poison. It has the most pizzaz.

Just as you convince yourself that Zac Efron dressed as Ted Bundy is going to climb through your window any second, you remember that a rather large raccoon tends to occupy the side yard. So, after all that, it turns out that the intruder is in fact not a mysterious brooding psychopath, but simply an obese trash panda. 

You awake the next morning feeling slightly foolish (like a goon). Yet this embarrassment will not be enough to stop you from overthinking every second of every day. Reason is no longer an option; you are full-fledged anti-Enlightenment. 

You see, binge-watching a show centered around finding and catching serial killers,  rapists, and arsonists (yipee!) is not exactly the best pastime. The unsubs do engage in lovely activities such as paralyzing and mutilating their victims, psychologically torturing the main characters, or, my personal favorite, setting entire buildings on fire for funsies, so I understand the appeal.

However, I can attest as a former Criminal Minds addict that I have never been more convinced that I was going to get murdered in my sleep than the day after I watched my first few episodes. I get it, the storylines are immaculate and Reid is hot, but honey, it just isn’t worth it.

 Paranoia is no way to go about your day; it absolutely ruins your swag factor. Rest assured, nobody cares enough about you to murder you anyways. <3

Categories: Humor, Lifestyle, Web Exclusive

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