Please Walk Faster

by Emerson Morley

Graphic Designer

I am almost late for school almost every day; I wake up, see that I’m a little on the early side, then make the adult, executive decision to do a quick scroll through Tik Tok. Of course, that quick scroll evolves into a 20 minute viewing of obscure bloopers from my favorite early 2000’s TV shows. 

As I tear through the unsuspecting streets of Los Gatos and screech into the parking lot with my senior neighbor, the panic begins to rise. I use my non-existent leg strength, fueled with terror, to sprint into my first period. Managing to slither my way through desks, waving and trying my best to use my limited amounts of charisma to apologize for nearly knocking a cup of Philz coffee over, I settle into my seat. It’s a rough way to start the morning. Now, is it my own fault this scramble occurs? Yes, but there is something contributing to my shameless lack of punctuality. 

The lack of hallway-walking etiquette is appalling. If I am doing literal high-knees and skipping four steps at a time to climb the three flights of stairs of the language building, you should not be sipping coffee and enjoying the morning view. You may have given up on education as a sophomore and don’t care about punctuality anymore, but I am going to cling to my will to succeed as desperately as a wet cat dangling over a frat house bathtub. 

Continuing on, you and your friends do not absolutely need to stand in a line perfectly blocking all opportunities for me to jog past you on the stairs. This would be fine if you were moving at a relatively quick clip, but if you’re practically dragging yourself up the steps, it’s not the best. Single file, guys, gals and non-binary pals, single file. 

Also, there is a slow lane and a fast line on the stairs. If you hear the steady ‘thwapping’ of my fifteen dollar knockoff Birkenstocks coming up behind you, do yourself a favor and move to the right. I may be 5’4 with the upper body strength of a moist noodle, but if you think I’m not going to tear off one of those Birkenstocks and start swinging, you are incorrect, sir (or ma’am or anyone in general). Do not play drunk driver and criss-cross your way up the stairs. Pick a side and stick to it. 

We’re all just doing our best to survive the high school experience, but for the love of Laurie Loughlin, please pick up the pace. I can’t scam my way into college because my Photoshop skills are below-average, so I actually have to show up to class. Please let me get there. If that isn’t enough to convince you, I recently splurged and purchased an actual pair of Birkenstocks that I’m eager to break in. So beware hallway travelers. Beware.


Categories: Humor, Web Exclusive

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