Patterson imagines herself on Survivor

by Alis Patterson

Media Production Editor

There are few things in my life that I love more than Survivor. Since I was a little girl I have dreamed of being on the show. Sadly, I am literally incapable of running up stairs, so the likelihood of me being picked to go on the show is low. It took years of counseling for me to finally accept this, and sometimes when I wake in the morning I can still hear Jeff screaming at me to try harder. I am going to give you a glimpse of what it would look like if I actually went on the show because I refuse to give up my dream completely. 

The Marooning: There is no possible way this goes well. Survivor starts many of their seasons in different ways, but my favorite way is when everyone jumps off of the boat trying to grab as many materials as possible. The most likely outcome of this is that as I am jumping out of the boat I hit my head and get a concussion (seventh one baby), as I would be trying to execute a beautiful swan dive, but end up face planting into the Pacific Ocean. 

Building the Shelter: I have around zero practical skills. I can already hear my tribe mates discussing voting me out first because all I would do is nap on the beach and complain. I also don’t think I could cut down bamboo if I genuinely wanted to. Can you see me holding a machete? I sure can’t. A 5’11 blonde girl who has about one ounce of muscle on my body, no way. The odds of me cutting off one of my own fingers and likely one of my tribe mate’s arms is just too high. 

The First Challenge: I can already see myself quitting or being airlifted off of the island. If I even made it to this point I would be proud of myself. The challenges in Survivor are all pretty different, but all of them are physically and mentally demanding. At this point I would convince my tribe that I am a master puzzle solver. The likelihood of them believing me is slim, as I can barely speak the English language, but this is the best case scenario. Spoiler alert: I suck at puzzles. However, I suck less at puzzles than I do at anything remotely physical. My tribe would of course lose. 

The First Tribal Council: Once again I would like to reiterate that I probably wouldn’t even make it to this point. I can see my first tribal council so clearly; I would immediately burst into tears while Jeff would start yelling at me about what a disappointment I am. He would then probably kick me off of the show, and if he didn’t, it wouldn’t really matter because my tribe would vote me off anyways. 

As much as I love the show, I am clearly not cut for it. Even if I trained for five years, which I would never do, I doubt that I would ever reach the skill level needed. 


Categories: Humor, Web Exclusive

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