How to survive being lactose intolerant

by Wilma Wei

Humor Editor

Welcome to my world, where one mocha, latte, or cup of milk tea has the power to knock me out for hours. Lactose has an uncanny ability to leave me physically weaker than an admission email from a college right now if you can believe it. Living in a world constantly surrounded by beautiful lactose-laden products – cheesecake, cheese itself, milk tea – is such a difficult thing for me to simply ignore, and that’s why I have three foolproof methods to deal with my desires for lactose-filled products with minimal pain, all listed below. 

Abstinence: This, my friends, is the cause of 50 percent of all tears I shed in life. Nothing hurts me more than to push away a perfectly good bowl of ice cream or milkshake. To all those who doubt me, yes, surprisingly enough, I sometimes have the ability to act maturely and take action in the best interest of my health. 

Lactose pills: Everyone always asks me, “Wilma, why don’t you just take your lactose pills?” Well, all I can say is that life would be a lot easier for me if I could swallow pills in general. If I could swallow pills, maybe I would finally be close to actually being a mature, independent individual, and maybe I wouldn’t have to suffer for hours after drinking milk. Even though I’ve (almost) survived four years of high school, college applications, and borderline grades, lactose might be the one thing that sends me to the ER right before graduation if I decide to celebrate with that extra-large milk tea with pearls.

Just go for it: this is my most frequent approach to dealing with anything dairy related. Despite all reasonable, logical, and just plain right advice telling me just not to drink the boba, my brain just tells me to full send it, and deal with consequences later. My first reaction is simply to eat it and watch all my friends groan in disappointment because as soon as I take that first bite or sip, everyone, including me, knows that I’ll be tapping out for the next hour or two (more like next five if we’re being honest here). After my first few sips, I’m left sitting wherever I am like a passive potato (@ Meursault #iykyk), probably pale, nauseous and ready to pass out or yak as everyone screams ‘I told you so.’ But hey, it was worth it!

So there you have it, the raw, unedited version of how I deal with my crippling lactose intolerance. Let’s be real, I’m probably gonna grab Panera’s legendary mac and cheese in a few hours, and regret nothing. For now, my best option still seems to be just full-sending it and eating whatever dairy product is sitting in front of me with absolutely no regrets.

Categories: Humor, Web Exclusive

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