Humor

Tales of Vegemite: Volume 2

by Connor Holland and Ryan Manseau

Media Production Editor and Sports Editor

Five years have passed since the Artichokers and Zucchinnos engaged in a historically gruesome war against the Asparagites and Tomatans. Darryl, the former chief Asparagite, remains a prisoner tucked within the caverns of a highly secure Artichoker prison. After the battles ended, the malicious Artichokers seized control of Vegemite. Lucifer, the archduke of Chokeland, serves as the tyrannical dictator of the entire kingdom, scarcely leaving his fortified cellulose palace. All other vegetables are oppressed as a result.

The race of humanoid veggies called Zucchinnos served as chief strategists for the Artichokers all throughout the wars, and the Chokeland victory is largely attributed to their superior strategical intellect. Unfortunately for the Zucchinnos, their lanky green bodies are next to useless in hand-to-hand combat, and they were consequently betrayed, physically overpowered, and forced into slavery after this War of Leafy Greens. In an attempt to avoid rebellions, the Artichokers skinned the Zuchinnos, leaving them naked and utterly self-conscious of their mushy naked bods.

In those five years at the Artichoker prison, Darryl spent every passing hour plotting. Using his potent asparagus urine to deter guards from his chambers, he was able to catch and train several homing pigeons to carry messages to the rebel clans. He outlined his plan to band together with the oppressed Zucchinnos, storm the grand palace, and kill Archduke Lucifer. According to his elaborate scheme, the remaining gangs of Asparagite fugitives should blow the prison door with their precious reserves of canola oil and get him out this day at high noon.

Dusk was now approaching, and Darryl saw no signs of rescue; he had almost lost all hope when a young Zucchinno slave appeared at his cell, looking more like a gourd than a sleek green zucchini. His exposed skin had turned lumpy after the artichoker peelings. Darryl asked the young, frail boy in a sharp tone, “What do you want?” The youthful and lumpy vegetable responded, “They’re here. Prepare yourself,” and just as he began to walk away, the two guards in front of Darryl’s cell collapsed onto the floor and the cell wall exploded.

Darryl, astonished by the sudden turn of events, headed for the opening, but a third guard was already hurtling towards him with his outstretched spear. Darryl dodged the attack and delivered a fatal blow with his long rigid stock, then rushed out of his cell; for the first time in many moons, he was free. They hurried toward the rendezvous point at the entrance to the ancient Tunnels of Gopher. Here, beneath the earth, they were met by four cavalry men; to be more correct, they were not on horseback so much as gopher-back. Euphoria spread across Darryl’s face as he saw the magnificent creatures gelded in bronze armor. Barely finding words to express his surprise Darryl muttered, “They’ve been extinct since the great fungal wars… how?”

From behind the rump of a gopher appeared a rugged Kale, another species that had scarcely been seen since the wars erupted. He explained the nomadic Kale people’s journey to the eastern lands, all for the sole purpose of herding and utilizing these valuable gophers. Darryl knew this would change the tide of war.

Categories: Humor

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