Humor

Tales of Vegemite

by Connor Holland and Ryan Manseau

Media Production Editor and Sports Editor

Deep within the Amazonian rainforest, far beyond any human-explored lands, various tribes of vegetable people live out their lives in the realm of Vegemite. They are unlike you and me, or anything ordinary people know. In the western territories of Vegemite, both the Cannabites and Asparagites live.

Due to the great festivities of Apr. 20, 1952, the Cannabite population has never quite recovered. Historical accounts relay that on this day, Cannabites fed on one another after ingesting obscene amounts of potent herbs with magical properties, therefore greatly reducing their population size, giving them their nickname: cannabis cannibals. As a consequence, the Asparagites have dominion over most of the western territories of Vegemite.

In the east, the two largest settlements are the Tomatans and the Artichokers. The Artichokers, or artichoke people, ironically are quite heartless. These unsympathetic and warmongering savages control most of the area and leave little land to the Tomatans. Tomatans, or tomato people, are oblivious to the outside world, for they live their lives in a constant state of existential crisis uncertain as to whether they are a fruit or vegetable. One other small group resides in the east, but they are widely hated. These are the Kales, a group of trendy nimrods who are often insensitively told to go and kale themselves.

The Asparagites have always been the most rational, meek, and sensitive clan in the realm of Vegemite. Their tribe Elder, Darryl, founded the beliefs of the Asparagites on the basis of compassion and acceptance.

On a historical Autumn day, Darryl stood on his balcony, gazing over Asparagan. With his keen asparagus eyeballs, Darryl was startled by the sight of Lucifer, the archduke of Chokeland. Artichokers had not set foot in the western lands since the great fungal wars. Upon meeting, the two leaders exchanged casual greetings, but tension was tight as a harpstring. Archduke Lucifer began his well rehearsed spiel. “Darryl”, he said, “our people have been separated for centuries, and for what? We have so much to gain by our vegetable’s mingling. I propose we break down these ancient barriers!”

However, Artichokers are notorious for their deceitful guile. With his distrust for Artichokers, Darryl refused Lucifer’s proposal. That fateful Autumn morning, Lucifer, with a deep humiliation, vowed to destroy the Asparagites.

For decades, the battles raged on. While the Artichokers often dominated in the battlefield, the Tomatans successfully burned down most of Chokeland by polluting their moats with canola oil and igniting it. The final benchmark of the war occurred when the Zucchions suggested that the Artichokers take Asparagan not by force, but by siege. In the end, the Artichokers won out much of the Asparagites western lands, and all but one eighth of the Tomatans’ land was taken. Darryl was ultimately made a prisoner of war, and to this day, deep within the dank bowels of an Artichoker prison, the chief Asparagite lies and waits, meticulously plotting his revenge.

Categories: Humor

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