By: Nelson Kramer

Editor-in-Chief

To all the parents who forgot what it’s like to be in high school, ask any student, and they will tell you that it sucks. Whether your kid is grinding through seven periods with an elective in “How to Be a Nerd 101,” or they are taking it easy in their senior year with five periods, the overwhelming woes of school life, assignments, and grades affect everyone. No matter how brilliant you think your kid is, school still takes time and energy, and grades make everyone feel worthless. All of that comes with being a student; it is simply beyond our control. But do you know what you can do as a parent to help your kids? Turn off your stinkin’ Canvas notifications, close your kid’s grade book, and get a life!

I mean, COME ON — whoever came up with the idea for grade and assignment notifications, let alone Canvas Mobile as a whole, needs to be put on trial in federal court. Get me a copy of the Constitution because Kramer v. Creators of Canvas will go down in history as the court case all Gov teachers reference for the Eighth Amendment: no cruel or unusual punishments.

If you think that I’m just bitter because I cry every time I look at my grades, think again. Canvas notifying you the moment a teacher updates the grade book for the fifth time in one day is actually really bad for your brain. I don’t even need to reference scientific studies because I am living proof. The fall semester isn’t even over, and I’m already in need of a straitjacket and solitary confinement.

I feel like our parents have no understanding of how crazy we are about grades at Los Gatos High School. I know they want to help, but quite frankly, it’s annoying. Back in their day, success and vanity were achieved with a mirror and a 60-cent can of hair spray. Nowadays, kids wake up and start foaming at the mouth waiting for Canvas to boot up. Don’t get me started on the insane load time. If Canvas is going to tell me that my teacher changed my grade and then takes three weeks to load the homescreen, let alone the gradebook, they had better be ready to pay for my new computer because during the criminal wait time, I crashed out and threw my old one at the wall. 

I feel like I’m lucky; my parents only check Canvas when it notifies them with a terrifying grade change. Message to the developers of Canvas: please stop only sending my parents my bad grades changes. I am sad to say they are losing hope for me. 

To all the kids who have parents who track every assignment, or who look at an ungraded assignment and crash out, I feel deep sorrow for your mental state. Together, we can beat this epidemic of depression that our very own grading systems perpetuate. Let’s overthrow Big Canvas and make our own system. For now, just sneak onto your parents’ phone and silence the notifications from the god-forsaken app.