by Ivan Habib

Website Manager

Disclaimer: This article is meant for comedic purposes. I understand how much people love their pups. I also recognize that this will likely earn angry reactions from many, which I will interpret as a success of satire.

I have, for as long as I can remember, harbored an irrational fear of and aversion to canines. I am certain that many have stared, in a state of confusion, at me awkwardly, trying to understand why a child steers clear of all interactions with dogs. I have never understood the intense infatuation with them, all the way from dog outfits to full-fledged dogspas. Join me as I attempt to justify my perspective dogs.

Dogs Are Terrifying: When my brother was four years old, we were visiting a friend’s house who had two large dogs. The canines, being incredibly energetic, started running towards my little brother. Frightened by the scene of two mammals each twice his weight charging towards him like drivers who refuse to slow down in a school zone, my little brother activated his fight-or-flight response and attempted to escape the ruthless mammalian chargers. When reflecting on the incident, my brother realizes that was likely the worst thing he could have done in that situation. Ultimately, everyone turned out okay, but it forever left within me a deep-running fear of canines. 

Dogs exhibit many “organic quirks,” namely obsessive licking: Many animalistic qualities, which society would classify as savage or barbaric in other animals, are recognized as unique personality traits in dogs. The thing I most dislike about these quirks is by far their tendency to lick and chew things. To me, there is nothing more awkward than when one decides to lick you and you are supposed to sit in a state of pretend-enjoyment while they smother and slobber all over you without consequence. I recognize the interpretation of affection coming from one’s own dog, but from a foreign one, I will never understand. 

Society places dogs in a ludicrously elevated state: While I personally do not understand the seemingly infectious infatuation with them, I do concede that dogs are occasionally friendly and helpful companions and hold an important place in the hearts of many. What I fail to comprehend is the extent to which people go for their beloved friends. The most ridiculous luxury is the Amour Amour Diamond-Studded Dog Collar, worth over $3.2 million — a hefty price tag, sufficient to afford several new homes. While an admittedly extreme example, there are more common luxuries, including Spa Days for Dogs and wellness packages whose price tags easily amount to hundreds of dollars. 

So where does this leave me? Somewhere between a psychologist and a terrified child? I can acknowledge that dogs bring joy, loyalty, and a considerable amount of slobber to millions of lives. But for now, I’ll continue to admire them from a safe distance, ideally one that’s fenced off. Maybe in another 14 years, I will join the masses and pat one on the head without internally planning a swift escape. Until then, I remain bewildered by our society where a dog is not just a man’s best friend, but the most prized and pampered, diamond-collared roommate.