By: Sam Gruetter

Opinion Editor

You’ve been served! Unfortunately, this does not mean you showed up somewhere dressed to the nines and projecting Adriana Lima level confidence. No mama, you are being taken to court for committing a crime or being sued. However, the process of serving someone does not look like a police officer knocking at your door and cuffing you to a cop car while you loudly proclaim your innocence and think, “How long will it take until this is on nextdoor?”, instead it is a much more discreet process. Prosecutors can hire personal service, who discreetly dress up as an everyday person and deliver the appropriate documents to a defendant, informing them of their impending lawsuit. Here are some examples personal service can employ to secure that 5 star review. 

Pizza delivery: This one’s a classic. One three-cheese pie for Bob? Think again, Bob. It’s a lawsuit for potential tax fraud. While the defendant may be expecting a delectable cheesy and saucy meal to end their week off right, they are instead served with the consequences of their (alleged) actions in a steaming cardboard box. 

Open heart surgeon: This is a unique case that will only work if your defendant requires immediate emergency, but non-life-threatening, surgery. You put them on the surgery table and walk in, scalpel in one hand and file in the other. Just as they are about to be cut open, 

Harvard Business School: You keep getting emails from Harvard Business School saying they want YOU, unlike your ex-wife who is suing you for custody of your two children. So you decide to apply, and you get in; those kids aren’t going to feed themselves. You go through three years of rigorous tests, student debt, and endless cramming, and finally, the big day arrives: graduation. As you walk up to the stage in your cap and gown, you reach for the diploma you have been yearning for, only to be handed a paper that says, “You’ve been served.” You never actually went to business school; that was almost as big a waste of time as your ten-year marriage to the woman who is suing you. 

Fake pregnancy: This method of service requires an extensive time commitment, but hey, that lawsuit isn’t going anywhere, and you will walk away from the ordeal with a new husband and fake pregnancy bump. You find your defendant and trap him into marriage by getting pregnant after your first date. However, instead of carrying his child, you are carrying the papers that will send him to court. Finally, your due date comes, and after seven long hours of labor, your new husband is shocked to see service papers, instead of the baby girl he was expecting, swaddled in a pink blanket. Congratulations, it’s a lawsuit!