By: Sam Gruetter

Sports Editor

Many wanna-be influencers find their favorite pastime to be speculating what famous celebrity will reincarnate in Trysha Paytas’s new baby. The masses are so passionate about this, in fact, that when the queen died, Reddit pages were immediately filled with wild, speculative, and outlandish theories as to the relationship between the problematic and easily cancellable Trysha Paytas and the Queen of England who valiantly ruled a country, navigated national crises, and made a plethora of public appearances over many years. In honor of Trysha Paytas expecting, I am going to outline the most probable theories about who Trysha Paytas’s offspring may be. 

1. Kris Jenner: Is Kris Jenner dead? No. However, I do think her general energy and aura is so strong and overpowering that it is constantly radiating off her and seeping into the Earth. Khloe Kardashian, famously, does not have a “Wifi Box,” because her mother is powering her house. Beside the point, I think this energy will be absorbed by Trysha Paytas after she buys it in a candle on Etsy for 48 dollars with free shipping. 
2. The Property Brothers Fame: I am no Property Brothers hater, nor have I ever claimed to be. However, their skillfully implanted veneers have not graced my feed for quite some time. Maybe they have settled down? Maybe the house flipping business is running dry? Arguably, their rise and fall in fame is one resembling a biblical tale, and for this reason I think the great legend of the Property Brothers will find its place in the child of Trysha Paytas. 
3. The financial security of anyone who shops at Erewhon: I fancy myself an Erewhon dabbler, as a single occasion attendee I can attest to the fact that it is a most pleasing experience. However, what is not most pleasing to me? Checking out. The diet of the most pretentious of bunnies who attends boarding school in England can be yours for the mere price of your SOUL, dreams, and American healthcare without insurance. 
4. Noodles the Pug: “Bones or no bones” A common phrase used by a TikTok page which showcased an owner propping up his dog and deeming whether the day would be one of utmost productivity, or one of lounging. However, this statement will be uttered no more due to the recent passing of Noodles the Pug. 

As soon as the second line appeared on the pregnancy test, the universe was already carefully selecting whom or what entities they would have Trysha Paytas’s child embrace. Due to the obscure and oftentimes random nature of her content, I believe the above options would satisfy the chaos that will undoubtedly be most present in her child’s life. Best of luck TrishlikeFish!