By: Ashir Rao

Humor Editor

Fellow seniors!

The worst has come to pass — we are now in the fabled second semester. Senioritis will soon set in. People may tell you to “stay on top of things” or to “try not to let your grades slip!” Those people are sheep and they will not cure your senioritis. Here’s how to skip school:

“My tummy hurts! (and other illnesses)”: The human body is an immensely complex organism. Of course, there are the perennial headaches and tummyaches, but to be honest, they get old quickly. Instead, say that you got COVID-24 or that you woke up and couldn’t stop laughing and now you’re in a mental institution. 

Invent a new holiday: You want me to come to school? But it’s National Silly Actions Day! I have to go out and do silly things and have a silly time, and I can’t do that at school. What? You haven’t heard of Silly Actions Day? That’s pretty uncultured of you, I won’t lie. (For maximum effect, actually get your holiday passed by Congress, they hardly do anything anyways).

Work for PG&E: Once you work for them, convince them to build something around our campus. At this point, they’ll pretty much do the dirty work for you and accidentally cut power to the school. Enjoy the free time while they scramble to fix the problem “as soon as possible.”

Surround the school with caution tape: If you put enough of it, people will think it’s unsafe to go inside. To enhance this strategy, actually make the school unsafe by dumping dish soap in all the halls.

You got kidnapped: To make admin feel special, say that your captors granted you one phone call and that you chose Los Gatos High School, just so you could let your teachers and lab partners know that you will not be showing up to class because your parents have 24 hours to deliver $500,000 in ransom money to 41.1533° N, 20.1683° E.

Just don’t go: What the elites don’t want you to know is that the school needs you more than you need them. If all the students stopped showing up, there would be no school. So, just don’t go to school. There are no consequences at all, trust me. 

I’m looking forward to a completely irresponsible semester and an even more irresponsible college life. Keep these techniques close to your chest, and you too can avoid your responsibilities. You’re welcome!