Humor

Rao Lists his Favorite California Laws

By: Ashir Rao

Public Relations Manager

I speak for many on the staff of El Gato when I say that I love the government. I love laws and I think that we are governed by responsible people with our best interests in mind. I’m a huge fan of the government. The government makes me happy. The more government I see, the happier I get. These are my favorite laws:

In San Jose it is illegal to have more than two cats or dogs: That’s right. In a city of over one million people, every crazy cat lady is illegal. If your local crazy cat lady is annoying, don’t hesitate to call the police on her. 

In San Francisco elephants walking down Market Street must wear leashes: This implies that elephants on other streets are free to roam. Luckily, this means that the only injury you will face on Market Street is from humans. 

Persons classified as “ugly” may not walk down any street in San Francisco: It seems that the pleasant aroma of elephant excrement is off limits to your mother. 

In Berkeley it is illegal to whistle for a lost canary before 7 A.M: In response to the common phrase “canary in the coal mine”, environmental activist protests led to a ban on whistling for lost canaries before 7 A.M. When planet Earth is under attack, what do we do? STAND UP AND FIGHT BACK!

In Santa Clara it is forbidden to dedicate parking spaces to the patron saint of television: It’s worth noting that Santa Clara is actually named after the patron saint of television, Saint Clare of Assisi. Unfortunately, it seems the parking spaces of Santa Clara lost their roots, perhaps because of Netflix and Amazon Prime. 

The city of Mountain View prohibits calling pet fish by “names of aggressive content, e.g. ‘Biter’, ‘Killer’, ‘Sugar-Ray’”: Biter and Killer I understand. These names strike fear into my heart, make my hands shiver, and shake my very soul. But Sugar-Ray? As scary as fish can be, I feel like even a shark named Sugar-Ray would be rendered utterly harmless. 

Prostitutes in San Francisco are not obliged to make change for bills larger than 50 dollars: This is not helpful information for you, is it? Not at all. This information has absolutely no impact whatsoever on your life. Right? 

There’s an ordinance in San Francisco that guarantees sunshine: The power of God himself to control the Sun in the heavens is nothing compared to the power of San Francisco’s legislators. Let there be light.

Categories: Humor

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