National/World Editor and Public Relations Manager
Some holidays are dumb. Don’t get us wrong: we love holiday cheer, but some holidays…can be made fun of. You can’t blame us.
St. Patrick’s Day: People see St. Patrick’s Day as a day of celebrating a Saint whom nobody knows about, but in reality, it’s a day of worshiping the color green and a gold-hoarding Irishman called a leprechaun. We talk about four-leaf clovers and luck on St. Patrick’s Day. However, the only people actually getting lucky are the food industry workers who, like the gold-collecting leprechaun they advertise, steal the money of all the sugar-loving children in return for their so-called ‘lucky’ charms and shamrock shakes.
Valentine’s Day: Valentine’s Day is more like a slap in the face for single people and the dentist. Once again, people are not actually concerned with who St. Valentine is, but rather who they will bribe into being their lover using plastic-wrapped candy. We celebrate it in elementary school as if the kids really care about love. The only hearts they are breaking are the heart-shaped candies in their candy-crushing teeth.
New Year’s Day: New Year’s Day is the time for making resolutions that no one will actually resolve. It is the pinnacle of hypocrisy. As everyone vows to do things like focus on school work and health in the coming year, they ironically party, drink, and eat as the clock turns to their supposed year of personal reform. In truth, the only one who should be celebrating is Planet Fitness, as they are about to scam millions of people for yearly memberships that turn out to be only a few weeks of treadmill running.
Black Friday: It’s Cyber Monday for cavemen (no, that’s an insult to cavemen). Bonobo ape would be a better description of how people act on Black Friday. Unaware of the massive corporate manipulation, these absolute chimps will not hesitate to steal toys out of the hands of literal children to save a buck.
Thanksgiving: Thankful? Thankful for what? The exploitation of indigenous people? Obesity? I sincerely pray that Fox News doesn’t read El Gato, because we do not need another 60 minute segment from Tucker Carlson about the “War on Thanksgiving.” The war isn’t against Thanksgiving. It’s against turkeys. (This is not an endorsement of PETA.)
Columbus Day: Of all the people they could celebrate, they chose Chris Columbus. I mean, Colombia Day would be a better idea. Colombia gave us Shakira. Columbus gave us the colonization of the Americas.