Liu Explains Her Highly Classified Superhero Daily Routine

By: Nadia Liu

Public Relations Manager

By day, I’m Nadia Liu, journalist and public relations manager for El Gato, the number one newspaper in the country. By night, I’m a night-stalking, crime-fighting vigilante, protecting the streets of Los Gatos from a reign of terror and violence. You might be wondering how I manage it all, so let me detail my daily routine for you.

I awake at 5:00 AM to the sound of my alarm — the screams of the evil suffering in Hell. What a peaceful sound! I always sleep through it. I then proceed with some quick morning exercise, a thousand one finger push ups (repeated on all ten fingers), followed by a thousand one finger pull ups (also repeated on all ten fingers). I don’t need to shower, since I didn’t even break a sweat. For breakfast, I chug three raw eggs: the best source of protein for a growing superhero.

 Next, I get ready for a long day of investigative reporting by putting on my ultra-covert disguise (a pair of glasses) so that nobody can connect me to my hero alter-ego. I secure a front page story by providing a photograph of a showdown between a thief and a mysterious hero (me). The headline reads: “Heroic Vigilante Saves the Town Once Again.” Everyone wonders how I caught the town protector on film. Keeping my identity secret, I do not reveal that I used the ten second timer feature on my phone camera. I eat my delicious lunch of four green spinach leaves and freshly harvested, unpasteurized milk. Then, I head home (location classified) and take a power nap in plank position for maximum gains. 

The night falls, and chaos descends. I receive a cry of help from Pizza My Heart downtown: a violent criminal is attempting to pour soda into a water cup! I apprehend the criminal and the whole restaurant cheers. Next, I break into a house to prevent a mother from committing child abuse (forcing her child to do Kumon). After that, I drive my decked out, crime-fighting supercar (my 2011 Honda Fit) to patrol the town. I stop all crime I see, including a dog walker not picking up their dog’s droppings and a jaywalker.

 As the night comes to a close, I retire home (location classified). I don’t eat dinner, since I can easily run off of the adrenaline of my victories. I shower under boiling hot water and clean off the dirt and dust of the long day. As I climb into my bed, which is just a plank of wood to strengthen my back while I sleep, I reminisce on my victories and laud myself for being the town’s guardian angel. I fall asleep dreaming of vengeance and justice.

Categories: Humor

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