Evans Envisions Dream Teams for Senior Assassin

By: Alex Evans


With goggles on their heads, floaties on their arms, and their water guns drawn, seniors are stalking Los Gatos for the beloved annual senior assassins match. In the final months of the high-school hood — for most of us, but I can’t speak for the super-seniors — duos sign up to battle to the (metaphorical) death. There’s nothing better to bring together 500 parting 17 and 18 year olds than pitting them against each other by virtue of water guns in their last months together. Although I know that some of these matchups are unethical, unstoppable, or downright mean, here are my dream senior assassin duos, for a multitude of reasons.

Mr. Schunk and Mr. Hardiman: Philosophy English? World History? Step aside. This pair of teachers entered the LGHS scene in the last two years as immediate student favorites. Did I say entered? I mean returned to, as recent graduates of this high school. They are fresh from their respective senior assassins matches, and after years of plotting, review, and strategizing, they are ready for a Revenge Round Two. Beware, these two have a match under their belts and are out for (metaphorical) blood. 

Jackie Enns and Alex Evans: Oh wait…I need to double check…This actually is a duo! Beware seniors, Jackie and I also have some assassin experience under our belts. Freshman year we would aid Jackie’s older sister Amelia Enns in her snipes: reloading (water) guns on the fly, swiping protection items from backpacks, and executing bounties without fail. We’ve plotted and planned for four years now, vowing partnership ever since, so beware, we’re out for (metaphorical) blood. McGurk, you might want to stick to the vapers and stoners for this one.

Mr. Cook: The head of campus security needs no partner, he stands strong on his own. He knows the ins and outs of the town from scouting out the secret hideouts of the “ vapers and stoners,” as deemed by the security team themselves. Plus, Cook has the high schools’ armada of golf carts on his side. Cook would protect himself against enemies like he protects the senior lot from juniors — so not very well at all — but he would go down fighting. 

Zach Gouldrup and Jack Harrington: This is more of a prospective duo for the CO 2026, but they already have the capacity for greatness. Besides the absolute deceptiveness that lies in having the same name besides the first initial, these freshmen forecast greatness through their competitive nature. Whether in a ruthless Monopoly game or exploring the backside at Northstar Ski Resort, the two are always looking to one-up each other. Coming together as a duo, their commitment to the bit will be unstoppable. Jackie and I already plan on taking them under our wing, just as Amelia did for us. 

Anyways, best of luck fellow seniors, but you do not need it. Jackie and I present such a savage duo that by prom at Levi’s Stadium, we will have wiped you all, no doubt.

Categories: Humor

Leave a Reply