Gruetter Laments the Torture of Slow Walkers

By: Kate Gruetter

National/World Editor

Dear Los Gatos High School Administration,

My name is Katherine Gruetter. I am a junior at your school, and after spending quite some time thinking and suffering, I have developed a proposition. I propose that we divide the hallways at school by speed. That’s correct. It’s hard to get to my car after school, or to Dio quickly at lunch, when I am stuck behind students moving at an average speed of one mile per hour. 

This proposition may come across as barbaric, but trust me, it is far better than the alternative. It also might not seem like a big issue to you, dear administrators. However, I can assure you that this is a problem. A big one. School traffic is not a joke. Which means those of us who drive to and park at the school must be strategic about avoiding a pile up. We must move at the speed of light to our cars. We have to race. And in this endeavor, we usually get stuck. Whether it’s five freshmen linked together or one really slow sophomore, obstacles are unavoidable. Usually, a simple “excuse me” or “coming through” suffices in solving this problem. But when a really slow underclassman appears, sometimes we have to default to something we aren’t proud of. Pushing. 

The pushing isn’t aggressive or coldhearted. It’s a survival instinct. It’s typically just a gentle squeeze past a group, or a light touch to notify freshmen that no, they did not imagine a person behind them requesting for them to move, and yes, you do need to get around them. 

Dividing our hallways could look a little like this: Three lanes painted throughout the entire school. The outdoor courtyard, indoor hallways, all of it. The two outside lanes would obviously be reserved for the fast walkers. These lanes would abide by a stay on the right side of the road rule. The middle lane is for the slow walkers. Those who meander. This lane follows very few rules. “Right side of the road” rule is null and void here. Slow walkers must fend for themselves. There’s no worry about collisions here. Walkers are moving too slow for me to consider a crash a risk. 

“Katherine, what if the hallways are too small to divide?” you ask. Well, then these hallways, however few and far between, must simply only boast fast lanes. A single line. No holdups. If you’re content with being slow, find another way to get to class. Our campus is large and intricate, it shouldn’t be too hard to think up another route. 

Now that I have made my case, I urge you to understand, and ponder my proposition.

Thank you for your time and consideration, 

Katherine (Kate) Gruetter

Categories: Humor

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