Whitfield College Wants You for the Fall Semester

By: Brynn Gibson


Dear High School senior whose email we leached from your PSAT two years ago, 

This is a reminder to submit your Wheatfield College of Missouri application. The deadline is arriving quickly, and we would hate for you to miss your shot to apply! Here at WOM, we are champions for inclusion and success. If you seek a college education, this is definitely a place for you!

Just 952 miles from New York City, and 2053 miles from San Francisco, we are located in the heart of the United States. Situated on 50 acres of farmland, you will feel right at home among the corn. We proudly boast that we are just a 25-minute drive from the former home of the 33rd president of the United States, Harry S. Truman. Some people have gone as far to say that we are the Stanford of the midwest! (Please do not ask who those people are, but we promise they exist.)

Choose from our long list of majors, including a BS in Pseudoscience and a BA in Defense Against the Dark Arts. If you are admitted to our College of Undecided Studies, we have the right to revoke your submission at any time. For some students, we are still deciding if we want you to study on campus. It mainly depends on how you respond to the icebreakers on the first day of school. 

Do you have athletic talent? Get in contact with our coaches! We offer scholarships in both curling and Quidditch. 

We believe in preparing students for real-world internships and jobs. Our classrooms are built to replicate an authentic workplace model. Each student will be given a cubicle which they are required to sit in between the hours of 9 AM and 5 PM. To encourage individual expression, we let students pick between wall colors of beige, tan, and dark cream.

We welcome all students to apply, despite their ability to pay tuition. While we do not have any academic scholarship money, do not fear. You can pay for your room and board through indentured servitude. 

Oh? What’s that? You don’t want to go to an underfunded semi-online private university in the middle of a Missouri cornfield? No worries. Let our alumni speak for themselves. 

“Once you get over the mold smell, the views out the dorm windows are actually pretty cool.” 

“My RA let me keep a cat in my dorm”

*I’ve only gotten lost in the cornfields twice. The second time it wasn’t even overnight.”

“Their vegan section in the dining hall is so accommodating. They only have apples, but at least it exists.”

Contrary to popular belief we are NOT a pyramid scheme. However, if you send this email to five friends we will note that on your application. 

We think you might be capable of excellency. Become a WOM corn stalk today.

Categories: Humor

Leave a Reply