Patrick Lists LGHS Jobs

By: Isla Patrick

Center Editor

ATTENTION HIGH SCHOOLERS EAGER FOR A SIDE HUSTLE: numerous LGHS faculty members are currently seeking your help. If you believe you have the skills to complete any of the following tasks, do not hesitate to submit your application ASAP.

  1. Principal Buchanan has his eyes on the stars. He is urgently hiring one lucky candidate willing to divine his daily horoscope and read it to him every morning. He has asked applicants to keep in mind that he is a Cancer Moon and as such, may be especially sensitive to the position of the planets at any given time. This is why knowing his daily horoscope is essential to his job performance as principal. Unfortunately, he is only able to offer the loose, dusty candies that roll around in his desk drawer as compensation at this time. He wants to hold onto his Tootsie Rolls but says the grape Jolly Ranchers are gross and his eventual horoscope reader may have them. After a few weeks of hard work, the new hire may progress to the Almond Joys left over from when Buchanan went trick-or-treating last Halloween.


  1. Everyone’s favorite physics teacher, Mrs. Anheier, has gone goth. That’s right, the mysterious figure you’ve seen lurking around campus rocking black lipstick and carrying a black parasol has been Mrs. Anheier all along. When you hear the faint sounds of the Sisters of Mercy blasting from some faraway classroom, it is Mrs. Anheier enjoying her prep period. Students may have also noticed that recently, she prefers to keep her classroom in complete darkness (this makes it difficult to do physics, but she is so cool that nobody really minds). Los Gatos’ number one physicist asked El Gato to publish this ad because she needs three new members for her band, Sharilyn and the Longitudinal Waves. Naturally, Mrs. Anheier will be the main singer. If mortality enthuses you (and you also play the synth, bass, or accordion), let Mrs. Anheier know immediately.


  1. Hello car guys of Los Gatos! We’ve all seen Mr. Cook whipping his golf cart around LGHS. However, the lunch line security extraordinaire has a need for speed that his current cart cannot fulfill. Mr. Cook is looking to take a few students who know their way around a motor vehicle under his wing. He can’t wait to turbocharge the golf cart, paint a dragon on each side (because that is his spirit animal), and install heavy-duty, high-impact tires for when he chooses to do donuts in the quad. If you have any questions, please do not bother Mr. Cook with them. The right candidate will sense his vision upon reading this job description. Pay starts at 15 dollars per hour, but raises are available depending on how good you are at painting a dragon that accurately encapsulates Mr. Cook’s spirit.

Categories: Humor

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