Gibson shares alternate college essay ideas

By: Brynn Gibson


To celebrate 12 long years in the American school system, seniors are rewarded with college applications. This process is a turbulent and chaotic experience, during which students must embark on a journey of self-exploration to unlock the juiciest stories from their life thus far. These stories, along with the life lessons they learned, must be delicately crafted into the perfect essay, one which fully represents their character, values, and aspirations. Only the best of the best, the true gems in the pile, should make it off the chopping block. The following are essay topics my college counselor wouldn’t let me write about:

I pulled the fire alarm in church when I was three. My reward? I got to sit in the fire truck, and they gave me a donut. I learned that ignoring rules and drawing attention to yourself is a surefire way to get what you want.

When times get rough, I do not keep going; I unashamedly give up. To my core, I am a quitter. Stop looking for personal development, it’s not there. My proudest achievement was finally accepting myself for who I am. Personally, I think this is a beautiful philosophy. Why go through strife when you can abandon your responsibilities, throw caution to the wind, and only put on one sock?

When I was seven, my rec soccer team absolutely destroyed the competition. The 2010 GU7 Rainbowfish won every single game. We were ruthless. We did not let a single other kid score. This did not teach me humility.

If you frequent the Los Gatos Farmers Market, you are probably familiar with the hummus man. If he is giving out samples, you are going to take one. There is no choice. Once he poisoned my friend; she had to leave to go to the emergency room. I was left there without a ride home. The lesson? Never trust the hummus man.

Once, I drank three Monsters and completed an entire month’s worth of APUSH notes in one night. My addiction to energy drinks has finally allowed me to unlock the depths of human capability. 

Apparently, you are not advised to submit rambling social commentaires to the UC Admissions Office, but who else will tell these truths? Ghirardelli brownie mix turns people into human sheep. Sheeple, if you will. Name one person you know who still makes locally-grown, all-organic brownies anymore. Where is the elbow grease? This generation appalls me. Big pharma is brainwashing the youth. I blame the Geico lizard and his capitalist propaganda.

As an advocate for authenticity, it was difficult to let these go. Apparently, colleges do not want to hear about the real and true me. If they don’t love me at my worst, they don’t deserve me at my best.

Categories: Humor, Web Exclusive

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