HUMOR: Everyone Should be More Like Sriracha

by Georgia Kaufman

Humor Editor

If you’re anything like me, you, first of all, are so hot. Insanely good-looking. You’re also the third funniest person in the world, trailing Adam Sandler and Bowen Yang from Saturday Night Live. But if you truly are just like me, you have a lot of spice in your life. Literally. You probably carry Sriracha in your refrigerator, your backpack, in your toothpaste container, or even your Hydroflask named Kyle. So much spice, but so little space to use it! That’s why Sriracha serves as my inspiration.

People need to be more like Sriracha. There! I said it. People need to stop being so boring and add some flavor to their life. And PLEASE do not tell me that you aren’t boring, because rest assured, you most definitely are. If you don’t use Sriracha, that is 100,000 percent true.

Studies show that 16 out of 29 people like Sriracha. Now, those 16 people? Beautiful human beings. The top tier of the people on this planet that we call Earth. They never fail to amaze me. These people are most likely the types of people you will hear audibly saying the words “awoogah” and “wawaweewa” unironically. They would also probably be voted most likely to turn their Subaru into a “grass car” in Senior Superlatives. 

Those other 13? Repulsive. Disgusting. Absolutely terrifying, if you ask me. These people are most definitely the ones who think it’s socially acceptable to post Among Us memes on their Instagram stories. Oh, wait! They do. From personal experience, I can attest to this anti-Sriracha-fan behavior. No one cares about your Among Us character as much as they do Sriracha. You also probably post with the caption “#makeinstagramcasualagain.” I hate to break it to you, but you’re not going to become a social media influencer by posting “messy hair, don’t care.” News flash: we are out of 2014. And to be completely honest? These 13 people (or dare I say mutants) are a bit of a disappointment coming from the people in my favorite class. I was expecting there to be more spice in the El Gato classroom. Guess not. 

Also, Sriracha is FULL of a multitude of surprises. For starters? Did you know it was spelt sRiracha? I bet you didn’t. I bet you also didn’t know that I am legitimately one social connection away from the creator of Sriracha. Bae. I would mail him a thank you letter, but that would be fan behavior. Fan behavior is intolerable.

Studies show that after I spoke to my class on the subject and called each and every one of them out for not raising their hand on the side of Sriracha, 20 out of 32 people like Sriracha. I call that character development. I also call that “Georgia counted wrong the first time, so she had to double check so her facts were correct.” Oh well, we all can’t be as perfect as Sriracha, although we can try. 

Stay saucy, LG. Spice up your life, and eat more sriracha.

Categories: Humor, Lifestyle, Web Exclusive

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