Humor: Sullivan analyzes coronavirus conspiracies

By Sophie Sullivan

Media Production Editor

If you’ve been alive for this long and not heard of the ongoing coronavirus pandemic, then you’re either actively avoiding all forms of media, or you’re living under a rock. Although I know that this is something to take seriously, I can’t help feeling like there’s something fishy going on underneath all the news and government orders. Now, I’m not some crazy conspiracy theorist, but the evidence seems to be building up that this whole disease thing might just be a facade. And it’s pretty darn convincing if you ask me. I mean, do you even know somebody with coronavirus? Like, I don’t know anybody personally who’s actually tested positive, so I think that means it doesn’t really exist. So then why do we have to isolate ourselves and “shelter-in-place?” If you ask me, it’s all just one big government conspiracy. Here are some of my most reasonable guesses as to why the government is mandating us to stay at home.

The government is changing the batteries on the birds: This is the most obvious one, and it almost makes too much sense. It’s a well-known fact by now that birds – who disappeared for the entirety of the 2018-2019 government shutdown – are robots that work for the bourgeoisie and are programmed to invade the privacy of the American people. But even robotic birds get burnt out sometimes, and how is the government going to replace the batteries on 20 billion birds in the US without exposing their secret? The solution: order the entire nation to stay home so that nobody sees them do it. It’s genius if you ask me.

Trump is holding a Mario Kart competition IRL: Okay, hear me out. I think everybody who’s ever played a round of Mario Kart wonders what it would be like to play the game in real life. Since we’re all just average commoners, though, we can only dream about racing laps around your town at 100 mph, throwing banana peels out of your buggy car whilst dressed as an infant princess. But imagine you’re the President of the United States – you have the power to make every American citizen stay at home under the guise of a “pandemic,” effectively leaving the roads wide open for you to challenge your Vice President to a lap around the White House. That’s a pretty attractive choice. Don’t lie – if you had that power, you’d do it too.

They’re actually trying to slow the spread of COVID-19: I suppose you have to consider the idea that the government is really trying to flatten the curve and reduce the number of cases the healthcare system has to deal with at one time. I mean, if no one is outside interacting, they can’t really give each other an infectious disease, right? Nah, just kidding. There’s no coronavirus to be spread around – it’s just a hoax. Besides, ordering us to shelter-in-place to slow the number of cases would mean the government actually cared about the health and safety of its citizens. Now THAT’S a real conspiracy theory.

In all honesty, I’m not quite sure which of these conspiracies it might be. The bird one sounds pretty legit, but who knows? It could easily be all three. Regardless, it’s impressive the extent to which the government’s been able to enforce this. I mean, this is on par with the moon landing and vaccines. Just remember to stay safe from the birds or the disease or whatever it is that’s plaguing the American people today.

Categories: Humor, Web Exclusive

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