By Amelia Enns

Humor Editor

We live in dire times. The previously rare occurrence of you running out of toilet paper could easily be solved by yelling or texting a parent or sibling. But times have changed. When they enter your smelly bathroom, the look on their face is one of mutual disappointment; there’s no toilet paper left. Due to the COVID-19 hysteria-buying, a mass shortage of toilet paper has arisen around the world (or maybe just in my house). I’m here to provide some tips, tricks, and alternative toilet paper options.

Tip #1: Fold your toilet paper. Ladies and gents, if you already do not abide by this law, you’ve been wasting toilet paper and may be a waste of space on earth. After your first wipe, fold the paper in half over the nasty bits and wipe again. This isn’t an option for everyone, but if you crumple your toilet paper… you don’t deserve certain rights.

Tip #2: Steal. This is for my California and New York girls and boys only. Now that we have the “shelter in place” order, this is the perfect time to steal toilet paper and have a solid alibi. Go to your friend’s house, steal their supply, and if they ask after you leave, just say you can’t bring it back because of the shelter order. Sorry, can’t leave the house!

Alternative 1: Tissues. Tissues are the perfect alternative, if they’re available. Now that coronavirus is sweeping the nation, if you’re caught using a tissue, you could be socially excommunicated even though a runny nose isn’t a symptom. It’s like when Ebola happened in 2016 and everyone gave you weird looks if you coughed. Instead of using a tissue for its intended purpose, use it instead of toilet paper.

Alternative 2: A washcloth. I don’t really wanna talk about this one. Desperate times really do call for desperate measures. At least you can wash them all in the laundry after? Remember to choose a soft washcloth because you don’t want to scratch up your money maker.

Alternative 3: Your hands. Look, I know this seems crazy. But we are living in a worldwide pandemic, and I currently am living under a “shelter in place” order not to leave my house. Nothing is too crazy. Plus, you should be washing your hands for 20 seconds AT LEAST anyways, so what’s the biggie?

I hope this helps some struggling folks out there. Please wash your hands thoroughly after using any of these methods, or even if you don’t use them at least sanitize after touching an electronic device to access this article. Good luck in these trying times, stay safe and healthy.