LGHS Distributes New Emergency Poop Buckets

by Amelia Enns and Ethan Sanders 

Humor Editor, Section Editor

I don’t think I’ll experience a day like Mon., Feb. 24 ever again. As I entered my English classroom, fresh off a good cry in the senior lot, I was anything but ready for the rest of second semester. February break was like a dream. Monday morning, Micheal Scott himself looked upon the depressed, struggling students of LGHS and said, “I got you fam.” As the second bell rang at 8:15, however, all hope seemed lost, until a lone warrior arose from the battlefield. Ms. DeSoto appeared, probably returning from running four marathons, as she waved around my new savior: The Poop Bucket.


The administration has given us the saving grace we never knew we needed; fifty hours worth of supplies in case we get locked in the classroom and – most importantly – a bucket fitted with a lovely toilet seat, perfect for every student to relieve themselves. It even accommodates the nicotine-fiend population; there are no smoke detectors!

I had to do a double take. Is this for real? Or one of my melatonin-fueled fever dreams? I’m still not sure, despite all of my teachers discussing and ridiculing it. Is this school finally deteriorating as fast as a coffee addict’s bowels and now needs Poop Buckets to relieve the students?

Some students look upon this holy plastic throne with eyes of disgust, saying that they “would rather die” than drop a deuce in front of their whole class, in a bucket. But let’s be realistic here: when school is put in lockdown because some parent volunteer forgot to get a guest pass, and you need to go number 2, you gotta do what you gotta do. Are you going to perform a normal bodily function in front of a couple of your classmates? Or, are you going to risk your life and make a mad dash to the second floor math building bathroom, where you might be able to use the bathroom as the resident nicotine addict is vaping in the stall? Good choice, that’s what I thought.

There is a silver lining to pooping in a bucket in class, however. Imagine how quickly you will go viral on TikTok! Soon enough, you will get that “Popular Creator” badge on your account, and even Charli will jump on the Poop Bucket trend. Forget the Hype House.

Tell me this: would you rather poop in your hands and throw it out the window or live a once in a lifetime experience? The Poop Bucket should be regarded with the utmost respect; it’s there to keep us safe. And, hey, maybe we can keep these ones clean (@StallSeatJournal).


Categories: Humor, Web Exclusive

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