Parent drops hints in Christmas stocking

by Sanna Hakkarainen

News Editor

Mom: It is Dec. 24, 2015, and I have no idea what to put in my children’s, Wade and Carol, stockings for Christmas. This year I managed to “come in clutch” (apparently that’s what kids are saying these days) and bought them the gifts they asked for. However, it is only a matter of hours before Christmas morning, and I am fresh out of ideas on what to put in their stockings. Maybe I can get away with just going to the nearest Walgreens and getting them random little items like tape?

This could actually work because I can get items that my children are seriously lacking. I love my son, but Wade is a freshman in highschool now and has some serious B.O. I mean would it kill him to wear a little deodorant or cologne? If he is going for the “fresh out of the trash” appearance then he has the scent spot on, but that odor will not be tolerated under my roof. And my twelve year-old daughter, Carol, needs to learn what face wash is due to the amount of acne on her face. Then again I could get my children items that they actually want, but I am not really in the fighting-other-crazy-last-minute-shoppers kind of mood… I feel that this is the best win-win situation for everyone.

Carol: Dec. 25 has finally come, my favorite day of the year. I run downstairs and see the presents and my stocking labeled CAROL hanging above the fireplace. Everyone is already there, so we begin opening presents. I opened my main presents to see that I got a new iPhone 6S to replace my outdated iPhone 6, the gray uggs I have been dying without in this sixty degree weather, and Lulu leggings so that I can finally fit in at school.

Then I grabbed my stocking to see what else I scored this holiday season. The first thing I feel is something soft. Yes, I got more clothes! Unfortunately, I am quickly disappointed to find that it’s actually a bra. I don’t get it, I don’t even need… Ohhh. I now see why she got this instead of that super cute scarf I saw at Urban Outfitters. The second thing I feel is a plastic bottle. Is it the sparkly lotion that I asked for from Bath and Body Works? I pull it out of the stocking with excitement until I see what it says on the bottle. I read outloud, “Neutrogena Deep Clean Gentle Scrub” and look at my excited parents. I then realize the mountain range that has taken over my entire face. I immediately feel extremely self conscious, and manage a “thank you” while wishing that I had gotten tickets to Justin Bieber’s tour instead.

Wade: After seeing Carol get her strange presents in her stalking, I am filled with anxiety. This Christmas has been pretty dope. My parents have gotten me what I want, including new Vans and some sick Beats headphones, but I am hoping my stocking isn’t filled with the same weird things that Carol got.

I go to the fireplace and take down my stocking. I slowly reach into it with more anxiety than during the honors bio final, and feel a medium-sized plastic container. Maybe it is a new phone case since that was on my list for Santa! I pull it out to find that it is… a razor. I look up to see my parents smiling at me. I feel my face, and realize the little straggly teenage hairs that I had never noticed before. Okay, I guess I do need to shave, but an iTunes gift card would have been pretty cool too… I then go back to my stocking and feel something hard. Maybe Santa (Mom and Dad) DID pull through and are giving me the phone case I have been begging for. However, my hopes quickly vanish when I see that it’s actually deodorant, something called “Axe.” I look at the deodorant with confusion about why I would ever need this until an unbearable stench reaches my nose. I look around the room to see what could be causing the terrible smell. Then I smell myself… Is that coming from me? No, it can’t be! Wait a second, that is coming from MY armpits. Filled with embarrassment I give my parents a fake smile, and a “that’s exactly what I wanted” and sprint to the bathroom to get rid of this smell for good.

Categories: Humor

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