by: Annabelle Pan

Graphics Editor

“Can I get a name with your order?” the barista smiles, her Sharpie hovering above the cup like a lion preparing to strike. After a brief pause, I give her a name.

Not my real name, obviously; I can’t be handing out that power to just anyone now, can I? The moment your name is written on that flimsy paper cup, it will be defenseless against the many dangers of the real world. It will be shouted across a crowded store, misspelled, and butchered by a part-time worker. It will expose your true identity. In a world where online stalking is as easy as searching through a few lists and clicking on profiles, you must carefully guard your name. Unless it’s the FBI knocking on your door, do not give your name to a stranger. When a barista asks for it, you have to make a quick decision. The longer you hesitate, the more suspicious you appear. To hide your true identity, you must choose one of these three options.

The easiest solution is to steal someone else’s name. You look to your right and see the friend who reluctantly agreed to tag along as you feed your caffeine addiction. Steal their name. Take it. Claim it as your own. It’s easy, fast, and, best of all, unethical. You just protected your own name while simultaneously forcing your friend into choosing a different one. Your friend approaches the counter and stutters as they desperately search for another identity. They shoot you a glare that promises retribution, but you shrug it off. You’ve done nothing wrong. In fact, you’re a hero. You just saved two people from the terrible consequences of honestly introducing yourself. Selfish? Maybe a bit, but safety comes at a cost. Thievery? Of course not. You chose a random name for yourself, and it just so happened to be the same as your friend’s. A simple coincidence.

If you go to the cafe by yourself, don’t panic. There are two more options you can choose from, although neither is as entertaining. The first is to choose a nickname, specifically one that no one uses for you. It doesn’t have to be a good nickname; it just has to be short. If that’s too hard, just take the first letter of your name and think of a common name starting with the same letter. The more similar it is, the better. After all, you still need to react to your alias when your drink is ready.

With your coffee safely acquired, you choose a table and open up your favorite mobile game. You patiently wait for the app to load as you slowly sip from the paper cup before realizing you have no Wi-Fi. Sighing, you search for the cafe’s network, but the moment you click the right option, ominous words appear on screen: “Please enter a one-time username.” Oh no. You freeze, fingers hovering over the display. The cursor blinks. You’re taking too long; they’re suspicious of you. Every pseudonym you’ve ever used is already claimed. In desperation, you use your real name with a combination of letters and symbols. Bad choice. The barista caps their Sharpie. It’s over.