By: Kat Littfin
Editorial Editor
Sharks, alligators, snakes, and squirrels. At first glance, one of these things is not like the others, but I rebuke this sentiment. Squirrels are singlehandedly one of the most demonic, violent, phobia-inducing animals that live among us. By the end of this article, I hope to convince anyone who thinks otherwise to change their mind.
Anyone who knows me knows of the psychological war I have waged against squirrels since the age of about seven. My story begins when a vengeful squirrel decided to jump right over my head, grazing my hair, while I was wearing new roller skates that I was just learning to use. With nowhere to run, I unleashed a blood-curdling scream and fell to my knees to crawl to safety. This terrifying moment was the start of my hard-fought battle with sciurophobia – what some may call a fear of squirrels, but I call being sensible
My fears are not baseless. As much as my family, friends, and peers try to convince me that squirrels are “cute” and “harmless,” my loathing of squirrels has armed me with the evidence to dispel such claims. California squirrels specifically are menaces. Researchers in Northern California have recently discovered that squirrels are becoming increasingly carnivorous and are even developing predatory behaviors. While they may only be hunting small animals now, who is to say humans aren’t on the horizon? What’s more is that the squirrels’ shifting diet has also led them to steadily increase in size. I wouldn’t be surprised if, in the next hundred years or so, there is a squirrel species that could be mistaken for someone’s overweight cat.
Recall how I mentioned that humans may soon appear on a squirrel’s menu? Though at first glance it may seem I wrote that for humorous or dramatic effect, I truly meant what I said. A squirrel in San Rafael, California, attacked several innocent individuals, even sending two to the emergency room. With multiple eyewitness accounts and credible news articles, I am inclined to believe that this reporting is not some silly AI video that I fell victim to. No, this is a squirrel showing its true form: its vicious, violent, and villainous true form.
Unfortunately, the evidence for my next claim is a little shoddy, as there are no secondary eyewitness accounts to back me up. I believe that the squirrels in my backyard genuinely have it out for me. It may be hard to believe, but my dog has even more vengeance toward squirrels than I do. If they so much as touch the trees in my backyard, she will ceaselessly bark and growl at the menacing mammals until they leave her territory. But when my dog is not there, the squirrels attack. The most tranquil spot in my backyard is a bench that sits under a tree with long, climbable branches. Not once, but twice, a squirrel has snuck up and pooped on me. The first time, I thought a leaf had fallen onto my clothes, but when I shook it off, a brown pellet emerged. I looked up, and directly above my head was a crouching squirrel. Yes, squirrels can and will stoop that low. Even if they aren’t always violent, they will go to any length to anger, embarrass, and hurt their enemies.
One day, I hope to live in a world where people do not look at me like I am crazy when I say I am scared of squirrels. Until then, I will continue to spread my message like one of those conspiracy theorists on Facebook in hopes of finding kinship with other squirrel haters.