Gruetter details how she would Dominate the World

By: Sam Gruetter

Sports Editor

Like many others, I often lie awake at night pondering how I would go about the difficult task of world domination. Why you may ask? Why not? I shall reply. While many people have tried and failed at this daunting expedition, I think I have the wit, ruthlessness, and strategy that trumps all of those other old guys with their cannons, clunky ships, and maps (what is a map?).  

Firstly, I would go about world domination by setting up alliances, a skill I have mastered to perfection from intently analyzing Too Hot To Handle and Love Island. My first target would be Taylor Swift, more accurately the Swiftie community. World domination: Taylor’s Version. There are 335,526,684 people in the United States as of 2023. On Spotify, Taylor Swift has 100.7 million monthly listeners. Meaning this community is equal to about one third of the United States population. Additionally, it is one of the more dedicated fanbases, simply play a Taylor’s Version album and the masses will be mine. 

Next, I would gather rations for my dedicated followers, namely Panera Strawberry Mint Charged Lemonade (not sponsored but we can change that). With 200 mg of caffeine and way too much sugar than should be legally available to the general public, this elixir will surely inspire the need for domination… and possibly a cardiologist. 

A co-leader to spearhead the operation with me will be essential. Out of the many ruthless individuals who could fill the role, I would select Kris Jenner. Let me say one thing — the devil works hard, but Kris Jenner works harder. She took three of her daughters and made one a supermodel and two billionaires, all with an atrocious bowl cut. Could Charles V do that? I don’t think so.

Finally, my strategy. How am I going to go about this triumph, geographically speaking? As someone who was convinced Vermont is in France and once thought Florida was an island, this will be the most challenging portion of the expedition. I will take a frenzied and scattered route. Simply release all of my followers in a Charged lemonade induced frenzy in all corners of the world (no maps required). Whatever happens happens. 

Categories: Humor

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