Gruetter Details Fictional Situations Regarding Vegetarianism

By: Kate Gruetter

National/World Editor

One thing most people forgot about me is that I’m vegetarian. I have been for a while, but somehow people always end up overlooking this crucial fact. It’s disappointing, truly, when the people closest to you forget such an important tidbit of information.

I’m not saying I’m a perfect vegetarian, no. I’ve abandoned my meatless diet on three very specific, and very forgivable, occasions. The first time I ate meat as a vegetarian was at my school’s championship soccer game. The game was at a stalemate, and we’d used up every strategy to bring the tie to an end: overtime, shootouts, boxing. Alas, there was only one way out of our sticky situation: a hot dog eating competition. So, each team selected their twelve strongest eaters, collected their dogs, and got right down to it. It was clear from the start no team would easily win the hot dog contest. As players continued to gobble up their dogs, I became aware that any chance at breaking the tie demanded more than twelve players. I watched my teammates select their snacks, and soon realized I was the odd one out. I had the ability to break not only my vegetarianism, but also the tie. And I did. 

The second time I cheated on tofu was two Christmases ago. On this specific occasion, my family and I went to a new hip restaurant, which promised meatless dishes that tasted, and looked, like the real deal. My half-vegetarian-half-animal-killer family was thrilled. We filled our stomachs with what we assumed were plant-based dishes, wiping plates clean of vegetarian burgers and sushi. Three months later, authorities exposed the restaurant for false advertising; their dishes didn’t only taste like meat, they were meat! I suppose some things are just too good to be true. 

My last venture into the world of meat was at a Harry Styles’ concert. The entire experience feels like a fever dream to this day, though I can assure you it was not. I arrived at the concert 36 hours early, ensuring I had maximum time and the perfect viewpoint to watch the Watermelon Sugar singer. As his setlist began, I realized I hadn’t eaten since leaving my house . . . 36 hours earlier. I began to feel faint, and suddenly Harry’s lyrics “I’m falling again” rang true. I found myself unconscious on the floor, and when I opened my eyes, Harry was standing above me. “You okay, love?” he asked, and my stomach grumbled in response. Noticing, he grabbed a chicken wing from backstage and handed it to me. “Cmon, love, eat something,” he said, and I hungrily grabbed the food from his hand. After eating my fill, I stood up, and Harry welcomed me onto stage. We danced together for the rest of the night, and everything that happened after is history. 

I hope my tales of treachery and treason will help remind my friends I am in fact vegetarian, as long as we’re disregarding three completely fantastic (and completely fabricated) instances. 

Categories: Humor

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