By: Sarah Gouldrup

Humor Editor

Well, it’s official. I, Sarah Gouldrup, have finally finished my college applications after a long, hard, grueling, terrible, excruciating (I could go on) process. While I’m relieved to say my shoulders are now free of an incredibly heavy weight, the lack of busy work has revealed a new, equally-daunting task: adult life. 

As a second semester senior, the end of my high school career is quickly coming to its end, and I will have to make my way into the world. My dear readers, I cannot lie to you — I’m incredibly scared about going to college and becoming a fully-fledged adult. I feel as though I have learned nothing in my 17 years of life despite countless years of school. Thus, I’ve compiled a list of some necessary skills and overall things in life that I feel like I need to know about in order to go off and fend for myself.

1. How to take care of myself when sick: I recently got hit with the stomach flu, and it was quite possibly the most miserable I have ever felt in my life. However, I had one person who made the whole terrible experience slightly more bearable and without whom, I probably would have died: my mom. When I go off to college, who is going to rub my back while I puke four times throughout the night? Who will make toast and watch episodes of Modern Family with me? Certainly not my roommate — I’ve heard the horror stories. 
2. Money: Here is where I have to be brutally honest, despite how embarrassing it is. I’ve never had a credit card. Or a bank account. Or a job. The list goes on and on. I have no idea how to budget or do taxes, and my knowledge of the economy itself is limited to the Ayn Rand debates I participated in during my single semester of Economics. While I am grateful to my parents for allowing school to be my “job,” it has left me completely and totally unprepared for the corporate world I’m set to enter when I turn 21. 
3. Making new friends: This one might be the worst of all because it is a skill that I don’t have any desire to learn or master. You’re telling me that I have to go live in a new place and sleep in a twin bed, and on top of that, I need to find friends? No, I refuse. I can barely picture myself going through multiple talking stages to find a roommate, let alone continuing that process over and over again once I get to the university.
4. How to cook: This one I’m actually excited for because I’ve gotten pretty good at making myself ramen at home recently. However, my sister is a freshman in college right now, and if she’s not eating at the dining hall, all she eats are the 90-second rice packs from Costco. Now, to each their own, but that sounds absolutely disgusting. I will also not give in to buying an Air Fryer because I don’t trust how people try and cook almost anything in there. It’s definitely a pyramid scheme of some sort, but that’s beside the point.