by Emily Duvall
Let me just say: over my many years of having an iPhone, I can tell you that I am a certified expert about phone cases. The second I see your phone, I can deduce your exact persona — who you REALLY are deep inside. Phone cases unveil the most important parts of us as humans, and more people need to be aware of the vibe that their phone case is sending to others.
Wildflower Case: I trust you. You have taste. There are no words to describe how superior your phone case is to any other case that has ever existed. I admire how you choose a minimalistic yet aesthetically pleasing phone case. But, if you dare have that one case that says, “Stop Looking at my Phone”, you have no rights. You’re not Addison Rae, so stop trying to be. You’re the type of person who will not hesitate to tell someone when they are out of line, but you also will hands down be the one to say sorry if someone spills soup on you.
Clear Case with a Glass Screen Protector: For starters, I will not, I repeat, WILL NOT, come close to even touching or holding your phone. Your phone is crusty and I am severely underwhelmed. You are highly disorganized, and your common catch phrase is probably “My phone isn’t cracked, so why would I replace the screen protector?” No. That’s not how this works. You can take your grimy screen protector and your phone back with you to middle school. I can tell that you are stuck in 2017, the era of pop-sockets, and I hate to tell you, but you need to move on from that dark time.
No Case Whatsoever: Mad respect for you. You are truly built different. A different breed. The amount of trust you have in yourself is through the roof. And, you do make it your only personality trait that you go phone-case-less. I will feel zero remorse for you when you crack your phone — we all know it is coming. You think you are incredibly funny, but most of the time your jokes just really don’t do the job. You lack some self confidence, but not having a case boosts your ego a little bit more each day.
Solid Color Phone Case: You are kind and simplistic. Unless your case is white — then we need to have a tough conversation. White cases do not pass the vibe check in any way, shape, or form. I can tell you are not the wisest person, though, because you just blew 40 dollars on a case that will barely make it through the week. I will not feel bad when your case falls apart approximately .02 seconds after you buy it. You are pretty funny and outgoing. You are the type of person that would sing along with their birthday song though, which is kinda awkward for you, but you did this to yourself.
Even though I am totally judging you based on your phone case, do not fret; your phone case is still valid. If you happen to feel personally attacked here, my job is complete, but I think we can both agree that it might be time to go out and buy a new phone case.