by Alia Arafeh
If you say “bird” when someone asks what pet you want or what your favorite animal is, I must be honest: You’re really stupid. As someone who has owned birds for two plus years, I can confidently say two things: first, they are, in fact, not real; second, they’re clearly a government product because they’re incompetent, arrogant, and a menace to my life and society as a whole.
Where do I even start? I guess I should probably mention the fact that the two parent birds we own don’t really have names. They did at one point, but my brother picked them and they were weird and long, so we stopped using them over time. I usually just use the birds’ correct pronouns to address them, or call them “male bird” and “female bird.”
I wake up every morning at around 8:00AM to the sound of male bird screaming to be let out. During the day, he spends his time eating drywall – for the flavor, of course – and pooping on my clean clothing. He lives with his partner (they don’t like labels) who is even worse. She stares at me with her beady little eyes and screams every time I get near her. Not to mention she and her boyfriend (?) fight constantly. It honestly sets such a bad example for their three children, Belle, Minnie, and Dopey.
Speaking of the children, the dad seems to have an insatiable desire to copulate. And he does so – with his three babies sitting in full view. This behavior actually isn’t that surprising, considering how bad of an actual father he is. He plucks his youngest child, Dopey, and neglects to feed all of them. Yet he has the audacity to scream every time we take them away from each other. Their stupid little faces, their pea brains, and their thoughtless heads haunt my dreams. No, literally – I have dreamt that the birds hatched an army and ate the house. It honestly wouldn’t surprise me that much if it actually happened.
You’d think having birds and watching them actually be birthed would convince me that birds are real, but it’s only made me realize that they are most definitely robots. The babies come out with little-to-no programming, and through a series of software updates, learn how to pass as animals and not government drones. Even if the government was watching me, my life is pretty boring. The only suspicious thing about me is that I’m a Muslim Middle Eastern girl, but hey, airport security has investigated me enough times to confirm that I’m not a threat.
Anyways, contact me if you’re interested in buying a bird. I am now going to shamelessly promote that fact that we DO have three babies we’re trying to sell. On second thought, maybe don’t do that to yourself. Yeah, please don’t do that to yourself.