Humor: College Board deserves more appreciation

by Alaina Fox

News Editor

As AP exams finished their first week, complaints about both the tests and College Board itself dominate social media and day-to-day conversations. “Both SATs and AP exams are inherently reflections of privilege and exacerbate the class divide present in academics!” “Taking a test shouldn’t cost nearly 100 dollars!” “I can’t believe we’re expected to do this in the midst of a pandemic!” I understand those complaints. Truly, I empathize. That being said, people are cruelly deriding the College Board’s efforts. They have done so much for us, and I aim to bring to light all the reasons we should appreciate our lord and saviour, College Board.

First, let’s talk about how the College Board is dedicating its time and resources to helping students in these perilous times. As financial insecurity and widespread death threatens students globally, we are unified more now than ever before; beyond anything else, finding cheaters on the AP exams are our number one concern. 

“Oh College Board,” every student has cried, simultaneously, like lambs before our lord. “All we care about is making sure nobody somehow gains an unfair advantage on an open-note, open-Internet test!” 

Well, the College Board heard our concerns and wasted no time addressing them. Rather than worrying about the thousands of students who will have to continue studying for an additional month and retake the exam because the site failed, the College Board has focused on plagiarism with such high-tech methods that they caught cheaters before any exams had even taken place. It’s similar to the way people sometimes get arrested for shoplifting while walking around a grocery store. You know, that totally normal thing that happens all the time. Our motto in America has always been “guilty until proven innocent.” Adhering to that principle should be no problem because, as we all know, College Board is on board (pun intended) with an American-centric system of methodology and ideals. For evidence, just look at the fact that international students have to take exams at 2:00 AM local time. Hooray for testing equity!

Of course, with classes like calculus or statistics, students only have one right way to answer problems. Students, parents, and teachers unrelentingly spammed the College Board’s social media accounts with questions about how non-cheating students know that they aren’t at risk of having their scores cancelled. In its characteristic clarity and generosity, the College Board reassured people that… actually, there hasn’t been a word about that, but I’m sure there are methods in place to avoid false positives and ensure due process for those suspected of cheating. I’m also sure there are great reasons not to give any indication that they’re even aware of this widespread fear.

Before I conclude this article, I need to add one last thing. If I never publish another article, you’ll know what happened to me. The College Board has already asserted their position as the Thought Police, evidenced by their knowledge of which students planned to cheat and their immediate punishments, all of which occurred prior to any tests. Please, if need be, avenge me.

Categories: Humor, Web Exclusive

Leave a Reply