We’re coming up on four weeks since the shelter-in-place order was officially mandated, so I’m sure that, like me, you’ve gone a little stir crazy and are bored out of your mind. Don’t worry, I’m here to help. Here is a list of things that you can do during quarantine to keep yourself sane and safely entertained.
Quarantine Olympics: Since the real Olympics are postponed until next year, the best you can do is create your very own Quarantine Olympic Games and compete with all of your family members. Try to win gold in toilet paper shot put or in the hand sanitizer Slip ‘N Slide. Or maybe, test your mettle in binge-watching a whole Netflix series or attempting the big straw challenge. May the best social distancer win.
Drink Yerba Mate: Not much needs to be said. They’re the best drink on the planet. Only the Guayukí brand ones are good, though. The other brands are posers.
Buy a Peloton: This is a joke. Don’t be like every other mom in Los Gatos. Why would you pay 2500 dollars to get yelled at by some spin-class drill sergeant on a bike that doesn’t move? Get on a real bike and I can yell at you for free – from six feet away, of course.
Prank your family: Now that April Fools’ Day has passed, your family members will not suspect a thing. Start off subtle: flip the toilet paper roll upside down, swap the places of the knives and forks, replace a family photo in the hallway with a picture of Danny Devito. These pranks are psychological attacks: they’re not so abrasive that your family will wildly accuse you of doing something wrong, but they’re just enough to make your family feel uneasy, like something is off in their own home. Now’s your time to pounce and go big. Superglue the Peloton to the ceiling. Replace the ice cubes in the fridge with mini sausages. Wreak havoc. You are the master of this shelter-in-place.
Pick up a new hobby: Try and learn something new to flex on all your friends with your newly acquired quaran-talents when quarantine is over. Learn guitar so you can serenade your crush with a rendition of “Wonderwall” by Oasis riddled with voice cracks. Knit your own toilet paper. Capture and destroy government surveillance drones, a.k.a. birds. Or, if you felt so inclined, you could even try to master the art of muting your mic on Google Meet when going to the bathroom. How does that sound?