Fountain of Youth

By Hyuntae Byun

Will Smith, Jennifer Aniston, Keanu Reeves, and Pharell. What do these people have in common? They’re all popular entertainers, but they’re also people who never seem to change. Jennifer Aniston, despite being forty-four, still retains the complexion of a younger woman. Will Smith is a father to three children, yet he hasn’t physically changed much since the ‘90’s.

In contrast, the vast majority of other entertainers and actors seem to have aged considerably. For example, Matt LeBlanc, former Friends co-star with Aniston, already has a head full of gray hairs despite being just two years older than Aniston. So the question is: how have these select few people retained their youthful looks through all these years? After extensive research, I believe that I have found an answer.

Urban legends suggest that Asians, like myself, tend to possess unique skin characteristics when compared to their non-Asian counterparts. And the stereotype is very often true. In the natural life-cycle of an Asian there are numerous stages, but many Asians enjoy a long period of non-aging – a fact I am looking forward to.

Given these facts, I have come to the conclusion that Jennifer Aniston, Keanu Reeves, Will Smith, and Pharell are all secretly Asian. We Asians, through extensive natural selection over many generations, have developed an instinct for detecting other Asians. It’s a survival gene that allows us to form complex Asian communities within hostile or alien environments. I am therefore able to recognize the Asian in others instinctively.

But don’t just take my word for it. There are a number of characteristics that define us. For example, if you Google any of the aforementioned celebrities, you will see that there are numerous photos of them squinting, an indication of Asian descent. Keanu Reeves, Will Smith, and Pharell also have dark, nearly black hair, which is another feature exhibited by many Asians. Keanu Reeves’s favorite foods reportedly include rice, the staple crop of many Asians. In 2011, Pharrell worked with NASA to promote health, medicine, math, engineering, and science, which are all subjects typically associated with Asians. I could go on, but I think it’s fairly obvious by now that these celebrities have Asian alter-egos.

In conclusion, if you want to be like Jennifer Aniston, Will Smith, Keanu Reeves, or Pharrell, you should also start transitioning towards a more Asian life.

Categories: Humor

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